a little too crazy to be cool

Movin' On

2010-08-20T13:15:00.000-06:00

Okay...I just started a WordPress blog that I hope y'all will visit: The Princess Ponders. And since I'm a computer doofus - I hope y'all can give me tips and advice on this move.

thanks...

Dazee Wants to Know

2010-08-16T11:36:00.000-06:00

Ask me anything. I'll answer. Probably.

1. If a flight to the moon was as cheap as airfare, do you go?
Absofuckinglutely! What could be more amazing that being out in space looking at our Earth and all the galaxies and being totally awestruck at what our God can do!

2. Did you ever kiss someone you didn't know?
Yes*

3. Would you reboard an airplane that had to land because of a problem?
That would depend. Where was I going? Where did we have to make an emergency landing? Would I have more fun here or there?

4. What is the saddest thing you've ever seen while driving down the road?
The saddest thing? Toddlers who aren't in car seats and are just bouncing around in the back seat. Sometimes? They are even in the front seat.

5. Have you ever had a dream that warned you of something?
I don't think so? I can't remember what I had for breakfast and I supposed to remember dreams? Really?

*What? You want more information? Take me to a bar in NYC, ply me with Cosmos, and offer me money.

Wordless Wednesday - My "New" Guest Room

2010-08-11T13:25:00.000-06:00

See! You will have a nice place to stay
when you come visit me!!

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-08-03T10:40:00.000-06:00

Head on over to Supah's and join the fun!

Is Your Bush-Waxed

2010-07-30T13:12:00.002-06:00

Okay...I think I must be missing something. In a recent conversation with a couple of younger friends I found out? That Brazilians are a must-do! Did y'all know this? I just don't know about this. It seems kinda pedophilist-like to me. Really? Guys dig a naked pussy? I thought having pubes proved you were a grown-up and could have sex. After you got married, of course. Also? I thought you had pubes to hide your crotch. After all...pussies are not the most attractive body part. Don't get me wrong. I love my crotch, but, really? Guys wanna look at that naked?

And the guys. I guess they're supposed to get waxed as well. "It makes it look bigger."!!!!! Who the hell cares if it looks bigger? We all know what size it really is. And? It also is not the most attractive body part. I can see enough of it as it is. I don't need to see it naked.

I confess I was adverse to pubic hair when I was 12. When I would get in the bathtub after skiing all day? And I would notice two pubes? I would pull them out. Eventually I had to give up that habit...

They were growing in faster than I could pull them out. And?
It fuckin' hurt to tweeze the pussy!

So, here I am years later with a nicely groomed bush. But a naked one? Not a chance in hell.

I was gettin' my haircut the other day in Santa Fe (southwest mecca for weirdos) and there was a person next to me gettin' their hair done. This was a big person with really big hands and really big feet although both the fingers and toes had a lovely shade of pink nail polish on. Shit...meant to ask the color and forgot.

Anyway...this person is getting Texas hair. You know? Like you'd see on Dallas or Knot's Landing or something. Now I wish I could grow me some Texas hair. I don't want Texas hair, I just wish I could grow it so I could be a little versatile with my do's.

Have you noticed? That I keep calling this person "this person"? Because? When this person opened their mouth? A guy's voice came out. When I was tellin' the hubs and kid this later, the hubs wants to know if I could see their Adam's Apple? I guess that's a dead giveaway that the chick you're talkin' to used to be a guy. Whatever.

But? Then I got to wondering. What if you used to be a guy? And now you're a chick? And you went so far as to even have your parts changed out? Do you still grow pubic hair? I mean, if they take skin from your belly to make your pussy? Will hair grow? Or do you not even have to worry about bein' all in touch and style with a Brazilian cause your's is permanent? So I did a little googlin'... (I love google! You can find anything.)

Female-to-Male Hormone Treatment

For FtMs, hormone treatment is quite simple – testosterone! Typically, FtMs use testosterone cypionate, an injectable testosterone that the patient injects once every two weeks. It is possible for FtMs to acquire testosterone pills or patches but this is rare, as the side effects are greater. The amount is controlled by the individual’s endocrinologist but 200 mg is quite normal (Israel, 1997, 67). The result is quite remarkable. These individuals experience a second puberty. Facial, body and male-pattern pubic hair develops rapidly; muscle mass increases over time; the voice lowers to a typical male level; the skin thickens to a coarser level. Menstruation ceases, usually within three months and the body redistributes fat, which increases the waist size and decreases the fat pockets around the hips. The breasts do not reduce in size and height growth is not possible. A FtM can expect to gain around 10% in weight due to these changes (as well as increased hunger) (Israel, 1997; Whittle, 1998).

Testosterone is a much stronger steroid than estrogen and thus kills off much of the estrogen within the body. In addition, testosterone causes the body to stop producing estrogen, creating a chemical infirtilization.

In addition to the desired benefits, there are also potential side effects. These include (but are not limited to) “increased cholesterol and higher lipid levels; heart disease, including myocardial infarction; mood changes (irritability or depression); male-pattern baldness; acne” (Israel, 1997, 68). Although there is potential for problems associated with testosterone treatment, mortality rates among transsexuals are no different than amongst the general population (Van Kesteren, 1997).

Male-to-Female Hormone Treatment

MtF hormone treatment is much more complicated than FtM treatment. As was mentioned before, testosterone is a brutal steroid, destroying estrogen. Thus, when working with MtFs, it is necessary to first inhibit testosterone production prior to estrogen and progesterone intake. Usually, MtFs are treated with antiandrogens in order to do this. A typical regimen for a MtF includes antiandrogens (usually cypertone acetate), estrogen (often Premarin) and progesterone (often Provera). These are usually taking orally, twice daily. Unfortunately, the MtF hormone treatment does not offer ideal femininity. The treatment does not raise the voice if it is already damaged by testosterone nor does it reverse balding or hair growth in unwanted places such as the face. In addition, the penis size will not decrease with these hormones, although erections will become practically impossible and one’s libido is diminished. Estrogen and progesterone do reposition the body fat into more

18feminine places and is the cause of breast growth. Future body hair growth will be minimal and the skin can often soften.*

Guys turnin' into chicks do have a permanent Brazilian! But chicks turnin into guys? Still need that wax job to get it right.

Me: Did you know the current trend is to be naked down there?

Hubs: What?

Me: Yeah. So would you get the boys waxed if I asked?

Hubs: Are you high?

So...guess we old folk'll always be outta style, blissfully unaware of the recent trends. Damn. Cause I was so lookin' forward to hot wax all over the crotch. Not.

Also? Does anyone else see that annoying fuckin' whatever-it-is from photobucket on my blog or is it just me? And? If you do see it? How the fuck do I get it off?

*http://www.danah.org/papers/transtech.pdf

Damn Bird

2010-07-29T09:56:00.000-06:00

A bird just flew into my second story window and broke it's neck. I think it must have been painless, I hope it was painless. Stupid bird. This? Happens quite a bit unfortunately. I come out to a mound of little feathers and bones quite often. But now I'm wondering? Does daddy or mommy bird sit in the nest waiting for their partner to come home? And who feeds the babies? Are the babies grown and out of the nest? Why is that bird so dumb? Does the reflection of the trees in the window look "greener" than the reality of the trees in the yard? Is the bird trying to "keep up with the Joneses" and find a better tree, make a higher nest, move closer to the pool? Is that bird trying to do what I try to do?

I don't necessarily try to keep up with the Joneses, especially in this little town where McMansions are being built on a daily basis. I love my 70-year-old house, really love it now that it has pretty new siding and a new roof. But yet? Somehow? That's not quite enough. I spent all last week kickin' ass to get the front yard re-landscaped. Why? I wanted to surprise the hubs when he got back from Russia. And that was the major reason. I love blowin' his mind like that. But also? Appearances count. They count way more than they should. I mean, come on, the house looks awesome, the yard looks(ed) like shit. How can someone who lives in such a cute house have such a crappy yard? I know that's what everyone who drove by thought!

So I hired youth from church, recruited a couple of grown-up friends and put them to work. And? The yard looks great. But with the great looking yard? Comes the realization that I have much more ambition than I have brains or brawn. That I care way too much about what others think. And? I know...they aren't thinking about me or my lawn at all. They have too much of their own shit going on to be worried about my curb appeal and what it does or doesn't do for the neighborhood. But? Looking good on the outside was very important to my father and unfortunately it is still important to me. After all...if it looks good it's gotta be good right? No one can see the pain on the inside cause they're so enthralled with the outside.

My "ambition" also drove a HUGE wedge between me and the boy. I had to get everything finished before the hubs got home, he didn't see the rush. Caused a big blowup and ended with a confiscated phone, an "I HATE YOU!" and a broken screen door. And? The hubs won't care if there's still shit in the back of the truck that needs to go to the dump. He'd just take it to the dump. And the kid knew this. But me? The little child who still lives inside? She was driven. Driven by the need for approval and love. And if it didn't get finished? Well..."why fuckin' bother starting something if you can't even finish it."

Yup...figured that out yesterday. (therapy day you know) I'm still yearning for that love and approval that my father never gave me as a child. Do we ever get over this? I know that I will never get what I needed from my dad. His dementia has pretty much guaranteed this. I also know that the hubs loves me whether I finish what I start or whether I need his help to get it done. In fact, I think he'd rather help me to show me how much he appreciates what I want to do for him.

But, like the fuckin' bird, I'm always trying to get somewhere that is impossible to get to. That place inside that says "Yeah...I did it! I'm worth it! I have gotten the approval!" I'm tryin' to get the little child inside to shut the fuck up since I don't need anyone's approval anymore. But? It's hard work, she's pretty persistent. Damn brat.

Lately...

2010-07-19T09:06:00.000-06:00

I can't think of anything to say, funny or serious. And since I'll be busting my ass this week getting my front yard landscaped and then spending some quality time with the hubs before he leaves again and then goin' on my own Russian adventure...I've decided to take a blog-vacation. Unless? Something really fuckin' funny happens. Then you'll hear all about it. And? No worries...I'll still be stalkin' y'all!

I'm Sad...

2010-07-14T20:13:00.000-06:00

and I'm lonesome. And I don't know why. Actually? I do know why I'm lonesome. The hubs is on the other side of the world. And? I don't feel like I have any friends. Okay. I know I have some friends. But? I don't have any friends I can just call up on the spur-of-the-moment and say "Let's go to Santa Fe for the afternoon." All my friends have little kids or controlling husbands or full-time jobs. So. Therefore I'm lonely. I used to have a friend that I could call up and say "Let's go." Only? She dumped me. I've cried here about that before. I'm feelin' like some sort of whiney country song, "The Lonesome Loser." Oh wait...that is a song. Little River Band. And I know...I'm totally datin' myself. Oh well. Sigh.

But? I'm really struggling with the why I'm sad part. Again...the hubs is on the other side of the world. But this being 10 time zones away is not a new thing. This is an every-other-month (usually) thing and it's never really made me feel sad before.

I want to get the front yard landscaped before he gets home. Why? Cause my house looks so cute and my yard looks like shit. And? I like to surprise the hubs like that. Also? Cause the little girl in me feels like she needs to do shit like that to be worthy of the hubs love. I know in my head that that is bullshit but? He's out doin' his part to save the world from nuclear disaster and I'm at home sittin' on my ass. And yeah, I'm raisin' the boy while he's gone but the boy don't need a whole lotta mom.

And it has to be perfect. Is that cause if I do it and it's not perfect I'll be even more unworthy of love? Everything had to be done just exactly the way my dad wanted it or he'd get all pissed and he'd have to do it over and "Jesus Christ, it would've been easier if I'd just done it myself." So, after a while I just quit trying to do whatever my dad wanted and did the exact opposite. That didn't work either. No matter what I did, I didn't feel deserving of my dad's love. I guess that's why I always felt his love had strings attached.

I know the hubs loves me unconditionally. Maybe that's what's so hard to accept. I haven't done anything to deserve his love, to be worthy of his love, so how can he love me like he does? Fuck. It's amazing how your parents can mess you up for your entire life. I haven't lived with my dad for over 30 years and haven't lived with my mom for over 25. How can they still be makin' me feel like a piece of shit? How come I still let them make me feel like a piece of shit when, really, I don't have much contact with either of them?

I love the hubs unconditionally back. Is it because he loved me first? Is it because he loves me that way? Is that fair? I love him for other reasons too, but maybe the big reason is because he is the first person in all my world who has loved me like this? He accepts me for who I am, warts and all. And believe me, I have plenty of those. Too bad they're not on the outside so I could just get em burned off and go on my merry way.

As the therapist says, I'm doin' the work, I just need to let it unfold. I can't go around it, I have to go through it. Fuck. I hate any kind of strenuous exercise and lemme tell ya...this is strainin' my brain and my heart and my emotions. Sigh.

I Used to be Smart...

2010-07-13T22:01:00.000-06:00

honestly! I was quick-minded. I could come up with the perfect snappy comeback in a nanosecond. Now? I'm amazed if I can tie my shoes. Actually? I don't know right now if I can tie my shoes since it's summer and I'm livin' in flip-flops.

Currently? The smallest things have the ability to confuse the hell outta me. And? If it's something that's even slightly complicated? I get so stressed that I cry. I spent most of this morning trying to fill out the visa form for my trip to Russia next month. Could they make these things any more difficult? I need to have a sponsor just to visit the damn country! And, of course? I accidentally deleted the email from the hubs with Svetlana's info on it, so I couldn't put her as my sponsor. You can actually use your hotel as a sponsor but? I couldn't call them cause my cell plan doesn't include international calling. Also? The reservation is in the hubs name since he'll be there a day before I will. Shit the bed.

I try calling the Russian Consulate in Houston, push eightygazillion buttons, then hear "Thank you for calling. Have a nice day," click. WTF? This happened three times! I'm thinkin' that if the damn Russkies knew how I could stimulate their economy on my 5 day visit, they'd be rollin' out the red carpet! Right?

So just as I'm about to pull out the few hairs I have remaining on my head? The hubs calls! It's kismet or fate or some kinda shit like that! He tells me to call his secretary, the Travel Goddess Leslie, and she'll get it all taken care of for me! Huh! More people! Did I mention how I love having people? Specially now since my brain is mushy shit.

I call the Travel Goddess Leslie and all I have to do is email her some information, get a passport picture (yeah...another one) and meet her for coffee to give her the photo and my passport. Who knew?! So? Those dumb asshats at the Russian Consulate in Houston can kiss my big, white, butt! I'll get to their fuckin' country without them. And let's just see how much I stimulate their economy! Okay, okay, I'll still be stimulating their economy but I'm gonna bitch about it.

Now? I just ordered concert tickets for the hubs and the boy and a friend to go to the Scorpions concert at the end of the month. I know right? Scorpions?! Anyway, I have ordered concert tickets a bajillion times through Live Nation. Yet? They still expect me to remember my freakin' password! So I spend about 10 minutes gettin' a new password, re-setting the password, puttin' in all the credit card info and shit that they are supposed to remember if I remember my password and finally get the tickets. These boys better appreciate me!

On a lighter note (least til November 2nd) I got my Republican National Committee pin in the mail. Good thing too since no one would ever know I'm a Republican. Unless? They happen to notice the Tea Party sticker on my jeep, the Republican elephant hitch cover on my jeep, or the Republican elephant tattoo on my ankle! Doh!

And? Don't be a hater...Republicans have feelings too!

Awards & Other Random Shit

2010-07-12T12:51:00.000-06:00

The delicious JoJo over at Newlywed Adventures gave lil ole me an Outstanding Blogger award. It's pretty obvious from this that she is very young and inexperienced! But? She's wet-your-pants funny so you should go and visit her!

Also? How strange is it that last night, about 7:00 p.m., I get a text from the hubs? Not so strange? 'Cept that it was 8:00 a.m. Monday morning where he was! I just can't quite wrap my feeble little mind around that. Is this some sort of time travel thing? I guess when you're in eastern Siberia it is a time travel kinda thing...he'll be home just long enough to return to the time he really lives in only to have to time travel again. But? The most awesome thing about his next time travel? I get to meet him in Moscow at the end of his business! He's been goin' to Russia for over 12 years and I have never had the chance to go with and I am bustin' a gut in excitement. Even pre-packin' in my mind what I'll need to bring. Something that's totally New Mexico for our friend Svetlana. Who, by the way? Is gonna spend a whole day with just me showing me around! How freakin' cool is that?? And? I have official "people" who will pick me up at the airport and escort me past the miles-long passport control and custom lines and whisk me to my hotel! Suh-weet! I adore having "people."

And? This morning? When I woke up? There was no fuckin' pounding goin' on at my house!!! No wonder I slept til 10! Best part? They won't be back til the end of next week! Because they ran out of siding and it's custom and it won't even be shipped til next Monday. So I could be lookin' at a nice, relaxing week of quiet? Not so fast my friends. I've hired the youth group from church to re-landscape my front yard. Actually? They will be landscaping the front yard since what's there right now is shit.

But today? Is a totally lazy day. I've been up for almost 3 hours and am feelin' the need for a nap comin' on.

Have a wonderful Monday! (Shut up...I know it's an oxymoron but at least try, k?)

Is it Safe?

2010-07-09T05:44:00.000-06:00

For as long as I can remember, I never really felt safe with my dad. Nothing I can point my finger at and say "Oh yeah...that's why!" Except? I always had to sit on his lap and he always wanted a kiss on the lips and the time he put his hand down my shirt. And if I did something wrong when I was with him? What kind of unappreciative daughter was I? I just know that I really never wanted to be alone with him. I still don't. I think my mom knew how I felt. She even had a friend who asked her if she thought there was sexual abuse going on.

"Oh no. I would know if something like that was happening." But? Would she? Was there? I honestly don't know and it really doesn't even matter anymore. My dad sits in a wheelchair every day either watching tv, being fed, or having his shitty diapers changed. I don't even know if he knows who I am anymore. But? When I do see him? I still feel like he's checking me out, in a sick, perverted, sexual kind of way.

On the other hand? If my mom knew, suspected, intuited, that I didn't feel safe? Why didn't she do something?

I'm trying to work through some shit - obviously - and trying to understand why my mom didn't do more to protect me. Not just physically from my dad, but emotionally as well. To protect myself from him and his moods? I had to be the perfect child. I had to be dad's favorite - his princess. Because if I did something wrong? Like all kids will do? I suffered. I suffered from the crushing disappointment that I was to my father. I was so disappointing? My dad wouldn't be able to talk to me for a week or so because his feelings were so hurt and I would bust my ass trying to make it all better.

Now I'm realizing? That I couldn't have done anything to make it better because I had, in reality, done nothing wrong. I had just been being a kid who screws up every once in a while. But? I knew that if I could be the good girl, the perfect girl, my dad would just love me for me. I was always the good girl. Even when I was being the bad girl? I was still the good girl who would sit on dad's lap and kiss him on the lips when I got home from school.

Well? Guess what? I'm tired of being that good girl. But letting go of the good girl label and all that goes with it? Is really fucking hard. It hurts. It makes me cry and I fucking hate to cry because only babies cry - good girls, big girls, don't cry. Fickey (my therapist) said that I should cry every day as I work through this. He says I have to go through this, I can't go around it or over it or under it. Because if I let a little of the pain out every day? Pretty soon it'll become more manageable. It'll become less and less intense. It will hurt a little less every day. And one day? I'll be able to look at my dad and not feel like throwing up. I will be able to look at my mom and know that she was working so hard with her own shit that she couldn't help me with mine. I may even want to have a relationship with her again. Not as mother and daughter, but as grown woman to grown woman.

And also? Someday? I may feel like I'm fit to be in the company of humans again.

Can You See Me Now?

2010-07-08T02:29:00.000-06:00

When I was in 9th grade we moved for the 6th time in my life. I had spent the longest period of my life in the town we were living in (almost 5 years) and I fucking did not want to move. And? Not only were we moving? We were moving to another state. Also? In my current city, 9th grade was the top-of-the-junior-high heap...we were the big mofo's on campus. In my new town? 9th grade was the bottom-of-the-barrel at the high school.

And when you're in 9th grade and your world has just been turned upside down? You will do just about anything to fit in with the kids who have known each other since pre-school. And I did anything and more. I stayed out til all hours, I had sex with every "boyfriend" I had, I did any drug anyone would give me. But fitting in? Still felt like the outsider. So I would swallow bottles of pills at a time (that always just made me puke) and I was a cutter...way before cutting was the "thing" to do.

The strange part? No one who should have noticed did. My dad? After nine months at the "new" job, he transferred to a small town back in Minnesota. So - he was never home. My mom? Never saw anything. Oh, she realized that things were bad but it is so much easier to bury your head in the sand than admit to a problem. De-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt. She would see band-aids on my wrists and ask me what happened.

"Oh, I tripped on the stairs and scraped my arm."

"Okay. Just try to be more careful."

After I finished 10th grade we all moved to the small town my dad was living in. And do you think things got better? Right... I was screaming in the only way I knew how that there was something seriously fucking wrong with this whole picture. And did the 'rents try and figure out what was going on? Nope. They sent me away to a group home in yet another state.

"We don't know what to do with her. We don't know what's wrong with her. Let someone else try and figure it out. We are done." I was made a ward of the state and away I went. And you know something? I loved that group home. There was structure. There were defined consequences. If you did what you were supposed to do you were rewarded. Guess what happened nine months later when I was "discharged?" Surprise - same shit. Was there a consequence for staying out all night or all fucking weekend for that matter? Was there a consequence for skipping school? For getting totally shit-faced then waltzing into the house? Did anyone notice? Nope. Surprised I ended up pregnant and married at 18?

And the getting married? No one gave me any other options. Everyone knew this was a bad idea, a bad relationship, an abusive relationship. Help or options from the parents? Nope.

"We don't know what to do with her. We don't know what's wrong with her. Let someone else try and figure it out. Let her try and figure it out. She's 18 now. We're not responsible any longer."

Well, somehow, without much guidance or help from mom and dad, I made it. I am a grown-up with a fairly good head on my shoulders. So why is it that now? When I don't really need her anymore? My mom wants to help me with all my problems? Wants to fix all my problems? Knows exactly what I should or shouldn't be doing? I don't need her help - the hubs and I can figure out how to raise our kids and live our lives without her help. The only question I have is this.

Where were you when I did need your help, Mom?

WTF?

2010-07-07T13:34:00.000-06:00

I am in a hole. A hole that is so deep and so wide and so dark that I can't seem to find my way out. Last night I had a total breakdown because I had to ask my husband to hang the last blind for the new windows. Now? I have been with the exact same guy for 24 years...I know that he's not gonna take the initiative and hang the fuckin' blinds by himself. So why the meltdown last night? And I'm talkin' a MAJOR meltdown. In fact? I melted down so far that I actually dug out a pack of cigarettes that is at least 9 months old and smoked.

"All you have to do is ask me to help you," he says.

"Because you didn't hear me say I bought the last of the blinds last week? Because you and I haven't already hung two of the three that needed hanging? Because you haven't been almost trippin over the box in the hallway since you been home?" was my justalittlesarcastic response.

He finished drilling the holes and screwing in the brackets and left the room. I'm sure to get away from the ragin' lunatic screamin' at him. Then? When I tried to put up the 71" blind all by my own self? The fucker didn't fit. So I lost it...I could not have stopped crying if someone were threatening my children. I coulda blown their threatening asses off the face of the earth with my 9mm with a laser aim, but? I woulda been bawling while I was shooting.

Almost everyday? Something makes me cry. And once I start crying? I can't stop. I made an appointment to see a for real shrink...my regular doctor thinks I need some tweakin' of my medication. No shit?

I think I have fought depression all my life. But when I was younger? Depression wasn't something any one ever talked about. I figure I musta been depressed though. Because? All the drugs I did, all the sex I had, all the times I would swallow a bottle of pills or try to slit my wrists. I didn't wanna die, I just wanted someone to see me, to see my pain, to comfort me and take care of me. Someone like my parents? Who were supposed to take care of me? But were so dysfunctional themselves that they could barely take care of themselves?

But this? This feels like more than just being depressed. This? Feels totally outta control. I know that I don't have any control over things that are outta my control (DOH!). But right now? I feel like I don't even have control over myself. My emotions are crazy. I have no grey area - it's black and I'm a blubberin' mess or it's white and I'm okay. But? Even the being okay part? Is not so okay. It's not like I'm happy or anything fun like that. And? If you look at me wrong or, heaven forbid, be nice to me or some stupid shit like that, I'm back to bawling.

At least my freakin' therapist is finally back from a three-week long vacation and I have my regular appointment today. Thank the good Lord above!

Anyway...all this ramblin? Just my way of lettin y'all know that I may not be writing too regular for a while. I'll still be stalkin' y'all cause y'all are the ones who definitely I know can and will crack me up. Unless? You're writin' a serious blog that'll make me cry. Then? Fuck you! (still love ya though)

Things I Can't Say

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-07-06T10:53:00.000-06:00

Post It Note Tuesday with Supah Mommy

*Kitty is my Jeep. I am in love with her.

Fawk You Friday

2010-07-02T12:53:00.000-06:00

So this is my first "Fawk You Friday!" and I've been waiting...not-so-patiently. Here goes...

Fawk you siding dust that is covering every square inch of my house - I will win!
Fawk you grocery stores that don't deliver - WTF?
Fawk you Lowe's (again) cause when I decide to buy the expensive, real wood, Levelor blinds and try to get them custom cut - your fuckin' saw blade is dull
Fawk you people who don't use turn-signals...I'm gonna run your sorry ass off the road because "oh gee...I didn't realize you were turning."
Fawk you carpal tunnel - surgery's on my left wrist this time so there! I will be able to wipe my own ass!
Fawk you construction workers who leave cigarette butts all over my yard...my own butt covers enough land as it is and if I wanted more butts in my yard I'd un-quit smoking and leave 'em there myself!
Fawk you feelin' crappy all the time! I'll get some new meds and be better than ever and try and fuck with me then!
Fawk you mailperson who still doesn't realize that this is the same address it's been for a gazillion years
Fawk you pants that are too tight! I'll just buy new ones and relegate you to the crap pile...
Fawk you nail in my tire...you're gonna be in the heap-o-rubber pile soon enough...
Fawk you contractor who measures wrong and doesn't order enough siding...I want this fuckin' job done and I want it done now!!!

Well - I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'll think of some brilliant Fawk You's as soon as I post this - but I'll save 'em for next week. Head on over to boobies, babies, & a blog to join the fun!

Follow Me Friday

2010-07-02T08:49:00.005-06:00

I am so freakin' glad it's finally Friday! The hubs will be home late tonight and he'll actually be here for six days before he has to leave again! So I'm gonna hafta figure out what kind of heavy shit I need moved before he leaves again...

Anywho...thanks for stoppin' by...leave me a comment and I will definitely check you out. No - not in a perv way - get your mind outta the gutter!

Have a great Friday!

Crank Open Dem Windows

2010-07-01T09:53:00.000-06:00

So I'm feelin' a little cranky today. Shut up...it is not my usual mood. This house remodel bullshit is really startin' to get on my nerves. It's my summer break and I'm supposed to be able to do whatever I want. Like sleep til 10, spend a little time at the pool, take a nap, or whatever. But? No. I'm up every day by 7:30 so I can get the dogs fed and out to take care of business so that we're back inside before the guys show up. Also? I can't get away from noise. I used to think I needed noise. You know - the "I just have the tv on for the noise" while cleaning house or takin' a nap or whatever. I can't really remember the last time I turned the damn tv on. Oh wait...yes I can. It was Sunday afternoon when I wanted to watch some Glee and take a nap before the dang kid called. And we all know how that worked out for me. (eye-roll)

But? I figured once they were done on the inside things would get better. I could clean my house back to it's usual ~~immaculate, sparkling, pristine, eat off the floor~~ no need to call haz-mat state and then relax a bit. What a load of crap that idea was. See...it's summertime up here in these mountains and that means that you have to have your windows open in order not to melt into a puddle. Most of the houses in my little town do not have central air-conditioning. I am extremely blessed in having a swamp cooler. But again, in order for the swamper to work, the windows have to be open. Usually? Not a problem. I love me some fresh air. Now? Huge fuckin' problem. Since every time one of the guys cuts a piece of siding (approximately every 2.5 minutes), there is this GINORMOUS cloud of ultra-fine dust. And? Guess where it goes? Yup...right in my frickin' windows. There is a thin film of siding dust covering every. single. thing. in my house.

Now...normally I'd be spendin' today and tomorrow goin' crazy cleanin' house before the hubs gets home from France. After all...he's been over there ~~drinking champagne, ogling French girls, eatin' rich French food, going to Germany just for shits and giggles~~ workin' his little hiney off for us. I don't want him to come home to a mess and ~~figure out that I really do not do shit while he's gone~~ feel like he needs to clean the bathroom or something. (See? I am a good wife!)

But this time? Not a fuckin' chance I'm gonna be cleanin' any time in the near future. After all...I'm only one girl and I just can't do it all only to have to do it again in another month! Sheesh...I have tanning to do and shopping to do and blogs to stalk.

Wonder & Amazement

2010-06-30T13:36:00.000-06:00

Christy from I'm Just Sayin' has given me this award because she thinks I elicit awe & wonder. I know this because I had to look portentous up on google and this is the definition I decided to use. The other definitions were too freakin' gloomy.

And the very best part of this award...all I have to do is say thanks graciously (like that's gonna be a breeze cause Christy sometimes brings out the ~~bitch~~ sarcasm in me) So...here goes "Thank you so very much for this wonderful & amazing award Christy. My day has been made complete and I am smiling with joy." (be right back - gotta go puke)

Also? I only have to pass it on to one blogger. Yup, you read it right...ONE blogger. And so? Today I'm choosin' Kris from Pretty All True 'cause she makes me pee myself on a regular basis.

So here you go Kris - this awesome & wonderful bitch is all yours!!

Substance? Who? Me?

2010-06-29T21:25:00.002-06:00

I think Kimberly handed this to me without really lookin'. A blog with substance?! Well...an award's an award, so I'll take it! Thanks Kim...I totally appreciate your faith in me. But? Next time? How 'bout a reward since those usually come with money.

Of course there are freakin' rules that come with this award. What the hell? Can't a person just say thanks and get on with their day? Sheesh...

Rules:
1. Thank the one that gave it to you.
2. Write my blog philosophy, motivation, experience in five words.
3. Pass along to 10 bloggers.

1. Thanks - see above

2. Philosophy - "Tellin' it like it is."

3. Passing along...

In Through the Out Door
Joyful Noise
No Points for Style
The Boogie Man is my Friend
The Gypsy Mama
The Mombshelter
I'm Just Sayin'

And I'm only gonna pass this along to seven 'cause Christy just had a ~~huge, knock down, drag out~~ little hissy fit about havin' to pass awards along to 10 bloggers and how it just ain't fair to those of us who haven't ~~hit the big time, become the blogmaster of the world~~ been bloggin' all that long and haven't become ~~creeper stalkers~~ followers of all that many blogs. Here's to you Christy! Hope I took some of the pressure off!

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-06-29T08:48:00.000-06:00

Girltime, Schmirltime

2010-06-28T11:27:00.000-06:00

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but last week both my boys were gone. The hubs out of the country and the boy at camp. I don't know if I mentioned how freakin' excited I was about this happy little turn of events. See, I can usually get rid of one or the other, but rarely (let's say this was the second time ever) do I get rid of the both at the same time. Oh - girl time bliss here I come, right? Well...no. Also, fuck no!

My girlish dreams of sleeping in late, watching as much Glee as I wanted, being alone for eight glorious days were dashed. Not only were they dashed, they were tossed to the ground and stomped upon by all the construction guys big, heavy, work boots!

Every single morning of my "alone" time was disrupted at 7:30 a.m. by my dogs barking their fool heads off as the damn workers started pouring into the yard. Putting a pillow over my head did nothing to stop the noise of pounding nails, screaming saws, and Spanish.

Also? Putting the pillow over my head did not stop the drywallers from pounding and sanding and taping and mudding and it also did not stop them from getting drywall mud all over everything within a 15 foot radius. Have ya tried scraping dry drywall mud off of a brick floor? Sucks ass!

Well, shit, since I'm up I might as well do something, right? You may be wondering what on earth I could possibly do with all these people in and out of my house all day. Well...I've already mentioned the friggin' drywall mud that I've been tryin' to scrape off the brick floor all week. Then there is the drywall dust from all the sanding...this shit does not just fall to the floor to be neatly swept up. This shit is everywhere! From the tops of pictures frames that are hanging on a wall in another room (where the door has been shut forever) to the top of everything that is hanging in my closet, where the door has also been shut anytime said workers are in the vicinity. I don't think my local (only) store stocks enough Pledge for this job. Also? Even though the drywall guys are done and the painting is finished? The floors have had to be vacuumed and mopped at least three times each just to get the grit off of them.

And then there are the two downstairs bedrooms which have been totally pretty much demolished because we had to put new windows in (even though the "old" windows are only a few years old) because the "old" windows weren't to code. Now these are rooms that get used frequently...the boy's bedroom and "my" room (sewing, napping, gettin' away from everyone...). So after the drywall is up and textured (have I mentioned how much I fuckin hate textured walls?) and painted - it's time to put the rooms back together. (specially the boys since he'll probably want a place to sleep when he gets home from camp)

I had bought an awesome ironish bed at IKEA when I took the daughter there to pop her cherry. Then I decided I needed a "new" antique dresser to replace the behemoth that was in there. So I get the bed put together (love that IKEA stuff goes together quick and relatively painlessly), got the mongo dresser emptied (lot's of shit for the thrift store!), pulled it into the hallway and put in the "new" dresser. Aaahhh...one room down, one to go.

I spent all day Saturday doin' the boy's room. He had given me permission to clean and rearrange it while he was gone. I'm thinkin' I'm gonna use the old headboard/footboard from "my" room for his bed since you can use it for either queen or full size. Had to pound it together twice since the first time I fuckin' put it together backwards. Drop the box spring in...SHIT...I knew queen were wider, didn't know that they are also a good eight inches longer. So let's take the damn bed apart again. Then let's find some screws and the drill and retro-fit the headboard to his original frame. Whew. Hang the new blinds, then start the furniture-moving. The boy's "desk" is a workshop workbench...six iron legs, six feet long, solid three-inch maple top. Draggin' that shit across the room? There are no words to describe the agony!

Finally finish around 12:30 a.m. and fall into bed and pretty much die.

So...yesterday...Sunday...I haven't been to church since before my road trip. I literally force myself outta bed and into the shower. Stop to get some coffee. Go to church. AND? My pastor's on vacation! WTF??? This should not be allowed. Well...okay, he should get a vacation but it should only be from Monday through Saturday. I got myself outta bed for this???

Make it through church (barely). Go out to breakfast with my girlfriend and her baby (I LOVE her baby). Get home and just have to make the boy's bed before I can nap. While making the boy's bed, everything from the dust ruffle up) I make an amazing discovery! I absolutely, without a doubt, cannot lift my arms above the shoulders. I am all in pain and almost crying while makin' the boy's bed. Finally finish...took a bit longer than usual. Drop onto my bed to watch some Glee and perhaps nap before the boy calls to be picked up. Then? After ten whole minutes on my bed? The boy calls to be picked up.

So...one boy home now, one due on Friday. Actually ready for them both to be home since I didn't really have any "me" time while they were gone anyway. And? They are bigger than me and can move heavy furniture.

For the next phase of the "home improvement project?" I am reserving the right to move to the Holiday Inn.

Couldn't Resist

2010-06-23T14:16:00.000-06:00

Been thinkin' on a new, for-real, blog but haven't quite gotten it figured out. In the meantime, enjoy...

Free Therapy!!!

2010-06-22T10:12:00.000-06:00

http://therapyfree.wordpress.com/

Okay...could y'all do me a huge favor? Go visit my friend over at Free Therapy. She's just passed the 100 blog mark and is kinda whinin' about how we didn't throw her a party, she doesn't have a million followers yet, she's not rich and famous, blah, blah, blah.

So anyway, please go visit and leave her a comment tellin' her how much you LOVE her. She won't know if you mean it or not!

Thanks!

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-06-22T08:33:00.000-06:00

the Happiness Project

2010-06-22T08:24:00.000-06:00

How cute right? Need I say more?

Father's Day

2010-06-19T14:21:00.000-06:00

I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there. - M. Smith

Letters of Intent

2010-06-18T08:53:00.005-06:00

Foursons

Dear Self,

It's time to realize that you are NOT the laid-back, take-it-in-stride person you have spent your whole life thinkin' you are. When your house is a construction zone, take the Xanax as soon as you get up, not after you've spent the whole day tryin' not to lose your freakin' mind!

Love, Self

*******************************************************************

Dear Hubs,

Don't take it personal, but, thank the good Lord above that you are finally goin' on some travel! Your two weeks outta the country is perfect for me: one week to totally enjoy your absence, one week to get ready for you to come home and love the crap outta me! Have a great time, get lot's of work done, eat too much French food, come home horny!

Love, Wife

*******************************************************************

Dear Son,

Take it as personal as you wanna! Thank God that you are going to camp and gonna be gone for eight days!! Have a great time, eat lots of great food, sing some totally awesome songs, laugh your ass off at the crazy skits. Don't even worry about me, home alone for eight (EIGHT!!!) freakin' days by myself. I promise I'll be okay!

Love ya to death (even if you are sometimes a total pain in the ass), Mom

Friday Follow

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-15T21:49:00.002-06:00

Okay...yeah. I know it's still Tuesday night but gimme a break! I gotta lot on my mind...

Yup. It's that day. But since it's Wordless Wednesday, I'll try to scream silently...k?

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-06-15T09:30:00.000-06:00

The Happiness Project

2010-06-13T20:03:00.000-06:00

Francy & Miki

Two of my gorgeous nieces at the waterpark in Brainerd

Sullen Saturday

2010-06-12T18:19:00.000-06:00

Memorials

2010-06-11T12:21:00.000-06:00

On the 2nd to last day of The Road Trip, I wanted to stop in Oklahoma City and go to the memorial museum. So I plugged the address into Mrs. Beckstead (my gps - 'nother story) and was on my way. Course Mrs. Beckstead did not take into account the traffic in Oklahoma City. I knew the museum closed at 6 but what I didn't know was that they quit selling tickets at 5. Mrs. Beckstead pulled me in at 5:10 - shit...

The outside of the memorial is open 24/7 so I did wander through there for quite a while. It's pretty moving.

The little chairs, for the children, kill me

Absolutely blows my mind that Americans citizens could do something like this to other Americans.

The Ultimate Honey-Do List

2010-06-10T10:24:00.000-06:00

I'm a little nervous. This is my first time participating in Mama Kat's writer's workshop. And the company that I'm ballsy enough to try and join is freakin' amazin'! You really need to check 'em out...

Anyway...she's got a list of prompts to choose from. Pick one and let your mind go (or in my case, since the mind's already gone, dream a little) So I chose the ten things I would want the hubs to do if I could actually get him to remember the list. Here goes...

1. Clean the bathrooms anytime I saw toothpaste on the mirror or pee on the floor (daily, perhaps? Why can't the male species aim?) Actually doin' all the "housework" would be great - more time for me to surf my fave blogs, lay by the pool, and nap.

2. Wash and wax my jeep every Saturday.

3. Pick up the dog shit in the backyard.

4. Cook dinner and wash the dishes.

5. Re-landscape the front yard. Wait - that would be landscape the front yard since it's crap

6. Cut down all the neighbors siberian elm trees - they drop seeds like crazy and I'm for-evah pullin' up little siberian elms from my yard.

7. Pick up dog shit from the backyard.

8. Rub my back every night til I fall asleep.

9. Finish raisin' the boy so I can keep my sanity.

10. Get his ear pierced. (He's so Mr. Clean-cut, all-American...it would be so freakin' hot if he had justthismuch bad boy in him!)

Don't know if that's the complete list, just what I can think of off the top of my head. Anyway, head on over to Mama Kat's and join the fun!

Bonus

2010-06-10T09:46:00.000-06:00

So this morning I had to go get coffee to get out of the construction zone that is my house, which comes complete with barking dogs (they would be mine but I have absolutely no control over them). Actually I have to go get coffee just about every morning - so I'm pretty much a regular. As in the girls start making my large, skinny, iced mocha when they see my car pull into the parking lot. So today there's a new guy at the counter and the girls are off doing other things. I tell the new kid what I want. He's so new that he really doesn't know what he's doing...I watch him put in not one, but two, extra shots and I cheer inside! Plus also, he makes way too much so I end up with, wait for it...not one, but two, large, skinny, iced mochas! For reals! I just may make it through the day! I still might lose my mind, but I'll be too caffeine high to notice!

Yay for new baristas!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-09T10:35:00.000-06:00

and this is just the outside!!!

Do Men Ever Really Listen?

2010-06-02T11:46:00.001-06:00

For more info about Pour Your Heart Out, click on the "Things I Can't Say" button on the right.

Okay...I'm on my road trip and after the first totally sucky day, it's gone a lot better. (Other than stoppin' in to see Dad & Grammie - but we only stayed for an hour). Got the big sissy dropped off at her grandma's on Sunday afternoon. After gettin' the truck unloaded and the car trailer dropped off, I headed Up North to see my sister and gorgeous nieces. Took them to the water park in my hotel and out to dinner. Being the perfect auntie that I am, I told them each they could have dessert! Of course, none of them could finish...oh well. That's what out-of-town aunties are for. (spoilin' them)

Monday I met up with the little sissy and the grand and went to pop the daughter's IKEA cherry. Spent hours wanderin' and oohin' and aahin' over just about everything. Ended up fillin' the back of the truck! New tv cabinet, new bedroom furniture* and cute little patio set* for little sissy, new head & foot board* for my guest room. So later that night I'm talkin' to the hubs and am tellin' him about our day. Told him what I bought with my own money, what else little sissy bought and how excited we were to start puttin' stuff together. He is not in a "mood to talk" so my excitement wanes pretty fast and the call ends with my tellin' him to "call me when you want to talk to me."

Yesterday I'm pickin' up the daughter for lunch and he calls. Is in a much better mood and apologizes for being so grumpy last night. Asks what I"m doin' for the day. I tell him I'm goin' to pick up some pots and pans, a knife set, and a cordless drill (somethin' every homeowner needs) cause I figure we can buy those for her. Now for the not listenin' shit. Okay - he's totally stressed about havin' enough money for our remodel that's startin' in a few weeks. I have repeatedly said that I would get a job if I need to. I'm totally willin' to do whatever in order to not take out a loan for remodeling. I get that he doesn't want to have to do that. But he starts grillin' me on the phone about how much money I'm gonna be spendin' on these few things! Three things - not cheap things, but not bank-breakers either. I told him probably about $250.00, why? Because I spent so much money yesterday and whatever I spend will be comin' out of the remodel fund. WTF? $250.00 is gonna drain the fund? It's gonna put a total kibosh on the remodel cause we're gonna be short now by $250.00?

I ask him if he ever listens to what I say and he says yes but I spent a lot of money Monday. Okay... this is money that comes directly from my account**, not our account. The money in my account is mine to do with what I want. I say "Well, I gotta go." "You sound like you don't wanna talk." DUH! "I don't. Talk to you later."

I had been thinkin', up to this point, that therapy was helpin' and we were learnin' to communicate. I don't know how much clearer I could have been than to say "IKEA was not bought with your money." Now I totally feel like, at least for me, it's back to square one. Been feelin' near tears now for a couple days. Don't know what I can do. Yeah - sometimes he's a total tightwad, which drives me crazy, but our daughter just bought her first friggin' house and "we" can't get a few things for her? Fuck that.

IDK - I'm sure I'm ramblin'. I'm just frustrated and pissed and really bummed that we still aren't communicatin'. Lemme know if you have any ideas about how to get a guy to actually listen. Thanks...

*Things I bought at IKEA

**Which I usually use to pick up things for the house or kid or even the hubs

Non-essentials

2010-05-29T15:05:00.000-06:00

I picked up a few non-essential items yesterday on day #1 of my road trip. Namely a cracked windshield and a fuckin' speedin' ticket...crap! Also...Nebraska is really flat and smells like manure.

Follow Me Friday

2010-05-27T22:01:00.000-06:00

Click on the link, add your name to the list, put the button on your blog and get ready for some link love!

http://ontheverge6.blogspot.com/

OMG! My Head is Gonna Explode!

2010-05-27T21:05:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I'm off on a roadtrip with my oldest daughter. We are driving to Minnesota which is where she was up until March. In March she moved back down to Albuquerque to move in with the boyfriend who was the reason she left Albuquerque and moved to Minneapolis two years ago. Follow?

So today we drive to Albuquerque to load up her stuff. Her car is trailered behind my truck. Her car is loaded with almost everythin' she owns, cept for the dresser that'll go in the bed of the truck and her king-sized bed which'll stay in my garage til I find someone who wants it. She thought about leavin' it at the ex-bf's house, but, um, no. Also, fuck no!

Movin' stresses me under the best of circumstances but when I'm in charge of the loadin' and tyin' down of shit in the truck - well that about kills me. Add in the wind (desert wind 50+ mph) and the fuckin' rain/hail - I'm thisclosetobawlin'.

The hubs is great - we get home and immediately it starts fuckin' rainin' again so we're racin' to get the friggin' mattress in the garage 'fore it gets any wetter. Then he's goin' to McD's to pick up dinner. I wanna southwest grilled chicken salad and a large strawberry soda. Our McD's is so whack...I shoulda warned the hubs to check the strawberry soda cause they always give me a fuckin' strawberry shake. I do not like strawberry shakes - I only like chocolate shakes. Also, gross. So I go back through the stinkin' drive-thru to get my damn strawberry soda and the truck in front of me takes EIGHT minutes to get all their shit. Really? Hello drive-thru people, you have a "waitin'" parkin' lot for occasions such as these. Then the drive-thru kid tells me I'm crazy cause I don't like strawberry shakes. Really? You're gonna say that to me after you fucked up the order in the first place? Finally get home with my SODA and everyone else is finished with their dinner so I eat alone, which maybe is a good thing since I'm totally on the edge and my head is about to explode.

I am really lookin' forward to the drive home - alone - but it kinda bums me out too. This is the kinda trip my "ex" girlfriend and I always talked about takin'. And right now I can't think of anyone else I would wanna roadtrip with (please don't take it personal, you know who you are, but if you been readin' my posts lately you know I don't like anyone right now.)

So I'm gonna take my time, see things I've always wanted to see, I may not even take the interstate home! I'll have a lotta time to spend with just Jesus and a lotta time to pray and a lotta time to evaluate my life. It'll be good.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-26T11:01:00.001-06:00

Energetic You! Cooking, baking, doing dishes

Embraceable You! with the soft, smooth hands men adore

PUH-LEEZ!!! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth...
For a good time visit...

http://www.wordlesswednesday.com/newhome/

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-05-25T14:50:00.000-06:00

http://supahmommy.blogspot.com/

Bitch and Moan Monday

2010-05-24T12:05:00.000-06:00

http://www.kishafloren.com

So I'm thinkin' I'm startin' to go through what my asshole, ignorant, dear, helpful friend James calls "the Mental-pause." And it fuckin' sucks! There is no "happy day oh happy day." Nope...it's now "happy day oh (husband/kid/long-lost friend walks in the door) fuckin' shitty day"

I do not like anyone or anything. I want the whole shittin' world to leave me the fuck alone. Unless of course I want you to talk to me or take me to dinner. But...YOU gotta figure out which one it is! And if you guess wrong??? (hmmm...perhaps now wasn't the best time to buy a new 9mm?)

But the hubs knows that he's still pretty safe. Like I told him last week, he's number one on my "people I dislike the least" list.

Good thing I can come here to bitch and moan!

Ponder This...

2010-05-22T11:40:00.002-06:00

All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often.

- Stanislaw J. Lec

Whaddya Know!

2010-05-20T21:13:00.000-06:00

Another award! Damn...I could get used to this!!

This award comes courtesy of my friend Wendy at http://runningonmtt.blogspot.com/. You really gotta check her out! She's got freakin' awesome kids, a super hubs, and a great sense of humor! Just met her recently (not irl - but maybe someday!) and love love love her. We just have so much in common like watching reality tv, exercising, our love of books and our love of music, bit of a twisted sense of humor (and we both kinda like absolutely adore our kids!) Though I have absolutely no friggin' idea why she'd give me a "happy" award - I'm bitchy as hell lately...

As for the rules (shut up, of course there are rules! What the hell?)

1. copy and paste the award onto your blog

2. tell everyone about the awesome chick who gave you the award (and link to her site, duh!)

3. list ten things that make you happy (this one is really gonna be a bitch for me right now since I don't like anyone and every thing and every one is on my shit list but I'll try and muddle through)

4. pass it on dudes! (and visit 'em to let 'em know)

Ten things that make me happy ...

1. bright, shiny things (diamonds specially) that sparkle and send off rainbows and blind people in the sun.

2. the hubs who is gettin' real good at buyin' me bright, shiny things.

3. lime juice - specially when shaken (not stirred) with some Jose Cuervo and Grand Marnier

4. my new bed...it's one of those pick-a-number bed and it's pretty fuckin' awesome!

5. Glee (shut up! have you even fuckin' watched it???)

6. Dr. Gregory House - his bad attitude makes me look like a freakin' angel!

7. bein' a substitute p.e. teacher - nothin' like blowin' the whistle and yellin' at bratty middle schoolers to get their asses movin'!

8. my jeep - hemi kicks ass and I know how to drive it!

9. Robert Downey Jr. (oh my he is pretty)

10. a two-hour pedi that ends in bright green toenails

And now the award goes to...

http://leighvslaundry.blogspot.com/

http://whisperingwriter.blogspot.com/

http://jayayceeblog.blogspot.com/

http://www.kishafloren.com/

http://www.mypixiedreams.com/

Check 'em out and see why I love 'em!

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-05-18T08:58:00.000-06:00

Click "Supah's" button on the right to learn how to post your own!

The Happiness Project

2010-05-18T08:36:00.000-06:00

Monet's Garden - Giverny France

Sometimes My Kid is NOT Very Nice!

2010-05-15T22:21:00.000-06:00

So...today's my birthday (don't ask - I'll never tell) and my daughter and her fiance come up to spend the day with me us. Not necessarily cause it's my birthday - I think it's more the surprise birthday party we are going to for my best slutty, bitchy, nasty wonderful friend. (whose birthday is tomorra and she's way older than me!)

Anyway...this afternoon she comes out with a really pretty bag and hands it to me. I reach in and pull out a little tissue-paper wrapped gift. "Oh no!" she says, "you have to open that one last." Mmkay...I reach in and pull out an iTunes card (suh-weet) and a huge coffee mug talkin' 'bout respectin' the Queen (smart girl).

Finally get to the last gift, carefully pull off the paper and find myself lookin' at a two-pack of pacifiers. "What do I need pacifiers for?" Tryin' to figure out if this is some dig at my age or somethin' (though you'd think Depends for that before pacifiers - at least in my mind).

I look up at the daughter and she's got this really strange look on her face.

"OH SHIT!"

Then she cracks up..."Ooohhh - I got you SO good! You shoulda seen the look on your face!" HaHa!

Daughter and fiance are pissin' themselves laughin'.

I DID NOT need any more gray hair, nor did I ask for any...

Fuckin' kids...

My First Award!

2010-05-14T20:52:00.001-06:00

OMGosh! I got my first bloggin' award today - how freakin' excitin'!!!

With this award comes some chores duties ... first, I must thank the blogger who honored me. Thanks so much jayaycee! I feel so honored :O) Please stop by and give her a visit. I am thrilled to be recognized and promise to try not to disappoint, but make no guarantees...

http://jayayceeblog.blogspot.com

Second - I must tell you seven things about me...

1. I do not cook. I can cook, I just choose not to. I would so much rather call for take-out or make reservations the hubs cook and I do clean up. A big reason for this is that the hubs does not wipe the counter or rinse out the sink well. I have been tryin' to do better at the whole "dinner on the table when the man gets home from work" since I "semi-retired," but, nah, if the hubs wants a real dinner and not a PB&J for dinner, he still needs to cook it. Just sayin'.

2. At the age of 43, I got my labia, tongue, nose pierced. I have been told that I am an enigma...an ultra-conservative, Republican Christian who wears Eddie Bauer, Ralph Lauren, and Tiffany and drops the f-bomb, talks dirty, and pierces my nose. I just like to shake things up.

3. Part of shakin' things up was gettin' my first tattoo, on my nipples shoulder, when I was 33. I've been told they are addictin'. I find that to be bullshit absolutely true...now I have Woodstock on my left foot, the Republican elephant on my right ankle (shut up - it's true and it's fuckin' awesome!), "a safe life is a wasted life" on the top of my right foot, a Jesus fish with the kiddos initials in it inside my left wrist, and a cross behind my left ear. I think the next one will be the anarchy symbol or a pot leaf the Celtic motherhood symbol. (quit askin' and google it - sheesh)

4. The second and third toes on my right foot grow together which sucked when I was in jr. high cause all the cool bitches, sluts, whores girls wore toe socks and I could not. Thus I was relegated to the second tier of popularity ... date the football player, but NOT the captain of the team, be the softball player, but NOT the pitcher. Jebus, was I glad when the damn socks went outta style.

5. I went to six schools from 9th through 12th grade. Nothin' witty to say about that - totally sucked ass!

6. I have at least one STD rock from every place I've ever visited. Various Caribbean islands, Venezuela , all of North America, Omaha Beach, a diverse collection from different European countries. Funny true story...comin' home from Santa Barbara, checkin' in at LAX. Airline guy asks me what's in my suitcase? A bag of rocks? Tells me he needs to weigh it. Comes back and tells me I need to lose about 15 pounds or pay an extra $75.00. I drop the bag on the floor, unzip it, and pull out a bag o' rocks! Airline guy just about peed his pants laughin'.

7. One of the biggest compliments anyone can give me is to tell me I "drive like a guy"!! I love cars, I love speed, and I love a manual transmission. I think it started when I lost my virginity in a 1980 Corvette (in 1980, natch)

Next, I need to pass the award on to fifteen blogs I've recently (or perhaps not so recently) discovered and that I think fuckin' rock!

http://www.prettyalltrue.com/

http://www.mypixiedreams.com/

http://leighvslaundry.blogspot.com/

http://supahmommy.blogspot.com/

http://imgonnakillhim.com/

http://therapyfree.wordpress.com/

http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/

http://marcywrites.com/

http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/

http://www.jennbsays.com/

http://www.princessofsarcasm.com/

http://mommafargo.blogspot.com/

http://www.auntcrazyhere.com/

http://www.joyfulnoiseforajoyfullife.blogspot.com/

http://www.scarymommy.com/

Finally, I need to let each of these wonderful women know I adore them and am passing on my Versatile Blogger award to them! This I will be working on all freakin' night...

2010-05-14T10:35:00.000-06:00

Five things that made me happy this week...

1. I finally got the diamond cross necklace I've been waiting for.

2. Got to drive the big truck while hubs was on travel.

3. Had a blast air-banding with the kid in the McD's drive-thru.

4. Found the perfect heart-shaped stone for my BFF.

5. Saw Iron Man 2 with the incredibly hot RDJ!!!

Click here to join the fun!

the Happiness Project

2010-05-11T12:20:00.000-06:00

The goofy grand!

Click on Leigh's button to the right if you want to post your own happy picture!

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-05-11T08:07:00.000-06:00

Click on Supah's button on the right!

New Furniture and an Old Love Letter

2010-05-10T21:38:00.000-06:00

So tonight I'm doin' what I usually do when the hubs is on travel - put together new furniture (duh! What else would I be doin"?!) UPS drops off a box that doesn't look big enough to hold a pair of shoes much less a nightstand. So I spend a couple of cussin', swearin', yellin' at the dogs, droppin' tools on my foot delightful hours puttin' the damn thing together (and btw...I did yell at the dog cause the fucker ate my favorite bra while I was otherwise occupied!)

While dumpin' the drawers of the old nightstand into the drawer of the new one, I found a letter I wrote to the hubs in 1998 when he was on the first of many overseas trips. After readin' it, I came to the surprising obvious conclusion that I still feel the same way (though he annoyed the shit outta me yesterday before he left). Thought I'd share it with y'all, and perhaps the hubs will read it too. Guess it's kinda an apology for bein' such a bitch last night...and yeah - I do know some big words.

"A forced separation gives a person all sorts of time for introspection. And, in contemplating my life, I have come to the not-so-surprising conclusion that you give my life meaning and worth.

I know that I don't always act or show the way I feel, but I am determined to start doing everything I can to let you know how important you are to me. You are the first person I think of every morning and the last thought I have before going to sleep.

When you smile at me, my world feels a little safer, warmer, and brighter. When you touch me I feel a sense of contentment that belies words. My thoughts of you are what keep me going when, at times, all else seems to be falling down around me.

Every day I wait with anticipation for you to come through the door. I love it when you share your day with me and it makes me feel so good that you want, and value, my opinions.

Watching you with our son has got to be one of the most beautiful things on this side of heaven. I know that God had a special hand in the relationship that the two of you have and I am so proud to have you as our son's daddy.

I really just wanted to let you know that you are the essential element in my life; the air that I breathe, the water that I drink, the sun around which I revolve.

All my love, forever"

All my love forever Honey

p.s. the new nightstand...beautiful isn't it??!!

Proper Potty Etiquette

2010-05-10T10:09:00.000-06:00

Attention children ...
the bathroom door is closed!

·      Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.
·      Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
·      I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
·      Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
·      Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
·      Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
·      Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
·      Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
·      Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
·      If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
·      And yes, I still love you.

Mom

Happy Mother's Day Mommies!!

2010-05-09T14:02:00.001-06:00

Things Mom Would Never Say

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
"Well, if Rahul's mamma says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve"

Please Pray for Monkey

2010-05-08T19:19:00.000-06:00

I met a new friend today - Michelle at http://www.mypixiedreams.com/. She is the momma of three beautiful girls and she just found out that her baby, Monkey, has neuroblastoma.

Please join me in praying for Michelle, her beautiful family and her adorable Monkey.

Thank you...

Friday's are for Fakin' It!

2010-05-07T09:21:00.006-06:00

Not only did the "magic fairy dust" give Madge more energy -

it also got her whites brilliantly, blindingly white!

I Musta Been High...

2010-05-06T16:31:00.000-06:00

or smokin' crack or dippin' into the xanax bottle a little too frequently cause I did somethin' today that I try to avoid like ~~housework, cooking, the laundry room~~ the plague.

I had to drive down the "hill" today to pick up a wedding gift and since I was only about 15 minutes from "the wal-mart", figured I'd run in there to pick up a foldin' dryin' rack for the laundry room. (see - I don't totally avoid the laundry room - I can just throw the rack in there, slam the door, and let the laundry figure out how to hang itself *big grin* pun totally intended)

Then I figured I might as well pick up the "Manwich" we're gonna have for dinner and save a stop at the grocery store. While I'm lookin' for the "Manwich" I see boxes of frozen hamburgers. See, the hubs has this crazy, insane, stoopid great idea, since we live only two blocks away, to feed high-schoolers on Fridays.

I been tryin' to be a good wife. (What? Okay - stop laughin'. It's true! Not happenin' often, but gimme some credit for tryin') So I add 64 burgers, 64 buns, 48 dr. peppers, six bags of chips, and a case of water to my up-til-now practically empty (and of course completely whack) cart.

So, there I am, tryin' to wrestle the damn cart into a check-out...find one that looks not-too-bad. Shit! All check-outs in "the wal-mart" are. that. bad. So I'm waitin' for a frickin' half hour, the check-out guy has gotta be 90 if he's a day, and they have the freakin' heat ON!!! Really? The heat is on? OMG!!! (It is 85 degrees outside - which is so extreme since it was snowing on Sunday)

I can't believe I made it outta there without screamin', cussin', or killin'. Why is it that I "forget" how ghetto "the wal-mart" is for a few months? (and have y'all been to that website "people of wal-mart?" I swear they get all those pictures from "the wal-mart" near me!) And then go back thinkin' "Hey - maybe "the wal-mart" has turned into Tar-jay."

Sometimes stoopid just wins.

The Happiness Project

2010-05-05T20:48:00.000-06:00

My girlfriend's baby girl - Rory

Holy Crap-a-molie Batman!

2010-05-05T20:31:00.002-06:00

OMG!!! Okay...so the hubs and I were in Santa Fe this afternoon (therapy you know) and the boy tries to call both of us. He wanted to explain what had happened to the screen door that goes into the garage and why it wouldn't open (it was the wind and it just needed a good ass-kickin').

He said that he had been takin' out some garbage when the wind slammed the door shut. (spring is definitely windy season here in the mountains of NM) Mmmkay...no suspicions here. HA! Anyhoo - hubs and I finished runnin' our errands (which you have to do if you are in the "big" city cause you don't wanna have to drive back for somthin' you forgot...), stopped to get some dinner, and headed home.

Hadn't even got outta the car when the boy runs out and says, "wanna see a surprise?" Let's see...you are 15, you are a boy, and you have a surprise? Um...no, not really. He ushers us inside and towards his room (by this time I'm more than a little worried) and opens the door...*

WTF!! It's clean...he even CHANGED THE SHEETS (and I don't even know how long it's been since that happened**)!! There was no beggin', no pleadin', no arguin, no slammin' doors, and NO YELLIN'!! What the hell do you want??

I am actually speechless (and ask anyone who knows, that shit just don't happen). So maybe he's gonna turn out okay. Don't know that I'll live to see the day, but WOW!

Holy crap...there is a God and miracles do happen!

*I don't have any "before" pics cause I never opened the door cause the stench'd drop me to my knees.
**See *above

Post-It Note Tuesday

2010-05-04T09:28:00.001-06:00

How 'Bout a REAL Apology??

2010-05-03T09:56:00.001-06:00

So the hubs and I are workin' hard in therapy. Learnin' new communication skills and shit like that. The hubs' problem has always been takin' the blame. I would get mad at him, he would apologize, I would get over it...'cept he would apologize for days!! He would drive me bat-shit with his "poor me - I caused all this shit" puppy dog face that would last for a week or so.

So...two weeks ago, in therapy, he kinda learned to apologize and let it go. 'Cept the problem is that now his apologies seem pretty damn insincere. Last night at dinner I was complainin' (okay...whinin') 'bout my sore legs (from pickin' up the butts and minis) and he has the freakin' nerve to say, "Well, that's cause you're so outta shape!" Really? You just said that? Hhhhmmmm

So this mornin', before we left for work, I told him that what he said pretty much hurt my feelings ('cause I don't know already that I'm outta shape?? I needed him to tell me that??) He says, "Sorry, didn't mean it to come out like that" and proceeds to leave for work! WTF??? You're an arrogant ass - oh, did I say that out loud? So sorry...NOT!

Now - I'm good for a quick, sincere, apology - but this shit? Don't think so. I'm thinkin' the hubs is gonna have to do quite a bit of practice with this whole apology thing. After all - we've been together for 24 years and he knows it's all about me!

So here's to more weeks of....sigh.

Ramblin'

2010-05-02T17:08:00.000-06:00

Okay...so it's May 2nd today and it has been snowin' most of the day! I have lived in these here mountains for 16 years and only in the last 4 or 5 years have I actually listened to "old-timers" who tell me "never plant before Mother's Day." Well. Next week is Mother's Day and I don't know if I'll even be able to plant then. I suppose it doesn't really matter since most things I plant die before summer's over anyway. Not like plantin' in the Midwest...stick somethin' in the ground and it'll grow! Up here it's stick somethin' in the ground and it'll tease ya with a few flowers then die...

Spent a couple of hours yesterday picking up trash along the highway that our local Young Life "adopted." Lucky Jill found the condom and the prescription drugs...I only found cigarette butts and "minis." (Did find some "caution" tape that I thought I could bring home and put over the boy's bedroom door as it is a bio-hazard...whole 'nother story) I have never bent over and stood up so much in my life. But lemme tell ya - this mornin' when I got up, my body certainly knew it had done somethin' it wasn't used to doin'. My lower back and the backs of my thighs were killin' me! You would think that after all that exertion my belly would at least be flat, but no...same size as it was on Friday :O( And of course it was my Sunday to do nursery at church. More bendin' over and standin' up - YAY (not)!! Fortunately for me, I had an awesome assistant. Rachel had no problem crouchin' under the desk to play hide and seek...

Worked at the middle school Friday afternoon. Love the middle-schoolers! 'Cept this time was different. Sometime while I was there, my cell phone disappeared from the top of my desk. We are talkin' about my entire freakin' life! And I can't even call friends to let 'em know cause I don't know their numbers - I just know their "speed-dial" numbers on my frickin' phone!!! (did facebook it though cause if you're not on fb...) Told the assistant principal and the principal and the teacher I was subbin' for (who happens to be an ex-cop) so hopefully they will "find" it tomorrow! I had the brilliant idea of usin' my old blackberry, (which I hated hence the new droid), but then realized that my husband had suspended all services on my number. So I am shit-outta-luck til someone finds my phone or I get a new one. I just hope my ever-on-top-of-things husband has us signed up for the automatic back-up service shit that everyone keeps askin' me if I have!

Been gettin' used to the new bed...it's one of those air number beds. Only problem is, I can't figure out which number I am. (Okay, not true...I know my number...it would be ten (HAH!)). Used the highest number the first night, too hard. Used the lowest number the next night, too mushy. So I am workin' on all the in-between numbers til I find the perfect number...hope it won't take too long.

Baby daughter (25) called the other night. The Grand is so funny! Going to bed and she says, "Mommy?"

"What honey?"

"If I clean my room can I get two hamsters?"

"Well..."

"It's okay if I can't get two hamsters cause I really want two puppies"

What do ya say to that??!! :O) Six-year-olds are so adorable - specially when they're blondies with eyes as blue as the sky!

Young Life club at our house tomorrow...that means I need to pick up poop in the yard. I'd rather clean toilets than pick up dog poop! But on the other hand...I'd rather pick up poop in the yard than try to scrub it outta the carpet when it gets tracked in.

Barb and her husband and son are in Denver this weekend pickin' up Ryan's stuff. I so don't envy her that trip. Been prayin' all weekend that they are all doin' okay and gettin' some closure and healin' their hearts some.

Well. I guess that's enough ramblin' for now...really should do some laundry so we all have clean underwear to wear tomorrow!

Thanks for listenin'

Cancelled

2010-04-29T23:42:00.001-06:00

My therapist had to cancel on me yesterday. He was at the hospital with his dying mother. He says, "I'll just see you next week." How does that work? How can you lose someone that important to you and be at work the next week? I guess it's different when it's an elderly parent. After all, parents are supposed to die before their children. That's the natural order of things right??

Ryan's been gone for a little less than a month and I still have a hard time dragging myself to work (when I haven't marked the day off that is). I still hear a certain song, or suddenly imagine his smiling face and I can barely function. The tears come at any and all times.

His mom amazes me. She's been back at work for the last week and seems to be doing okay there. This weekend she and Ryan's dad are driving to Denver to collect his stuff. I just can't even imagine how that feels. I would love to be able to do that for them but I understand that this is something that they have to do together. I just am feeling helpless again (sigh) and don't know what to do with myself, how to get myself out of this funk. I mean, come on...Ryan's mom seems to be functioning and I can barely get my sorry ass out of bed. WTF???

What a Day!

2010-04-21T08:25:00.000-06:00

A beautiful blue sky.

A gorgeous friend.

A new spa.

A facial on the most comfortable bed in the world.

A hot-oil full-body massage.

Lunch at a favorite place.

A little shopping.

A lot of laughing.

What a day!

Stop on By...

2010-04-16T22:05:00.000-06:00

If you haven't yet visited (In)Courage, please visit today, especially if you are struggling with a relationship. (Just click on the button on the right) I try to stop in there every day. Today I wasn't going to but I was drawn in.

Ann Voskamp was the guest blogger today and she was talking about frustrated and hurtful words and turning into our mothers and a mother's grime and how, if we breathe in grace, we can use strengthening words and wash away the dirt. Words that will build up our children and our spouses. Words that I will be praying desperately for.

After spending an evening in tears after a run-in with the teenage alien in my house, I told my husband that I just don't even know what to pray for anymore. Well, God, through Ann's words, told me exactly what I need to be praying for...breathing in grace and strengthening words for my son.

Please pray for God's amazing grace and soothing words to fill my life this coming week. Heck, not just this coming week but for always! Thank you :O)

A Three-Word Prayer

2010-04-14T18:28:00.000-06:00

My bff Barb tragically lost her son last week - but in a way I'm envious of her. She and her husband are so close and this tragedy has brought them even closer. It wasn't always this way. They were separated for close to five years. Living in separate homes, living separate lives. I often lost patience with Barb for just waiting for him, praying for him to change. After all, we all know that men don't change, right?!

During that time Barb was (still is) a Young Life leader. She came up with the concept of a "three-word prayer" for her YL girls. The idea was to think of something you really wanted, needed, felt led to pray about, and try to shorten it to three words. Barb's three-word prayer during that time was "under one roof." She believed. And two, or was it three, Christmas's ago, when her husband asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she told him that she wanted to have Christmas, at his house, with the family, "under one roof." She has been there ever since.

And the death of their son has brought them so much closer. They are crying together, laughing together, praying together, talking together, staying up all night together. They are together.

My husband and I are not together. Oh sure, we live in the same house and sleep in the same bed but we don't talk together, we don't pray together, we rarely laugh together, and we rarely cry together. A tragedy like the one Barb and Ron have been living through would tear us apart. There would be blame. There would be bitter accusations. There would be no cleaving together. Now, remember, this is my p.o.v. and my side of the story and my feelings. I don't know how my husband would feel. But if I were left to my own devices, our marriage would crumble. We are having problems with our son (see last post) and it's driving us apart. I can't even imagine what would happen to us if we lost him.

I'm unhappy. I don't know that we'll ever have the emotional intimacy that my therapist keeps talking about. But my three-word prayer is this: "Keep us together." Please send it up when you think of me.

The Question...

2010-04-12T19:10:00.000-06:00

the fuckin' question that every parent wants answered. "What the hell have I missed?" "What the fuck is goin' on?" or the biggest one..."Where on earth did I go wrong?"

My son, my once oh-so-adorable, oh-so-loving son has turned into some kind of monster. I realize that I have discussed this before, but I don't know where else to go.

He is failing three classes. He says we are totally unfair because we've decided that he needs a schedule and supervision for homework. He says that if he is signed up for summer school, he will refuse to go. I told him he might as well go to summer school since he won't be doin' anythin' else (for his entire life) until he passes physics. Or geometry. Or literature. Whichever one(s) he doesn't pass this school year. No Young Life camp, no vacations, and no job (which means no being able to save money for a car).

He has his own blog site which, of course, I am following. It is filled with darkness and suffering and death. I'm lost and I'm scared. How do the parents who have great relationships with their teenagers do that? How do I get through to this child that if I didn't love him, school wouldn't matter. And where the hell did respect for your parents go? And why is it that I would kick his ass if he dissed another adult, but not when he disses me? I FUCKING HATE THIS!!! This is so NOT what I signed up for. He has a stable home, two loving parents, and a totally becoming fucked-up life. How does this happen?

His hero is a senior in his high school. A talented, smart, got it pretty much together kind of guy. My son tells me he wants to be just like this guy when he's a senior because they have so much in common. Like what? Neither has ever tried drugs or alcohol, both are virgins and plan on staying that way, and both love music.

And I feel like I always have to be the hard-ass. My husband seems to think that you can calmly talk things out and everyone will end up with the warm-fuzzies. Sometimes I just wanna scream at him to grow a pair and stop this child from being so irresponsible and disrespectful. But heaven forbid any voices get raised...

I am so fucking frustrated I don't even know which end is up. And I can't "just breathe" through this shit.

Just Breathe

2010-04-11T20:54:00.002-06:00

So yesterday we had a celebration of Ryan's life. The church was packed, the speakers were great, the music was perfect, and I had managed to gather enough food to feed the entire town.

But I can't celebrate Ryan's life yet. I have to grieve the loss first. I have been trying so hard this past week to be the strong one, to let Barb fall apart when she needed to and to be there for her for whatever she needed. That's what friends do.

I don't know if you can tell from any other posts, but I'm not real good at being vulnerable. And this week has just about killed me. When I allow myself to think about never seeing Ryan again, never telling him "come 'ere and gimme a big hug before I kick your ass, you dumbshit," it knocks the breath out of me, it doubles me over in pain.

But who do I share this with? Of course my first choice is Barb. After all she is the one I would go to for anything else. But how do you share your grief with the grieving mom? And I don't know that my husband would understand...he didn't really know Ryan, he's not a mother, how could he have any idea how much this hurts? Then there's the fact that he is the one person it is hardest for me to be vulnerable with.

I just have so many questions. And it torques my ass that I can't get any answers. I know Ryan was a tortured soul. I know how he struggled with his demons. But how could he leave us? How could he leave his baby girl? How could he leave his beautiful mommy? How could he think this way was the best way? If our lives are pre-ordained, how could this be part of The Plan? I know being a Christian is not supposed to be easy, but this...how does a good and loving God allow this?

I know that this will get easier. I know that this will get better. It will never be okay, but we will get through it and hopefully come out on the other side closer to each other and to God. But until then, I need to do some grieving first (a LOT of grieving with screaming and swearing and anger with God and anger with Ryan involved). And while I'm doing that I need to remember to just breathe.

Help...

2010-04-06T18:47:00.002-06:00

Last night, my best friend's son killed himself. Put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. His 19-year-old girlfriend found him in their living room. I spent 10 hours at her house today; holding her, loving on her kids, answering the phone, calling the mortuary, rocking the grandkids, and whatever else I could. But it doesn't help. Her heart is shattered and I can't help her. I can't make her pain go away. My heart is broken and I just don't know what to do. I feel like she said: "I don't know how to be this person." Neither one of us, actually none of us, knows how to be this person, these people. Our foundation has been so rocked.

The one thing that gave her peace today was knowing that her son was right with the Lord. She has no doubt whatsoever where he is now. I pray that she can maintain that peace; that Christ will continue to wrap her in His peace and grace and mercy.

I was posting a song on his facebook remembrance page and his little 5-year-old daughter came to see what I was doing. "Is that my daddy?" she asked me.

"Yup."

"Are you texting him?"

"No, I wish I was."

"Where is my daddy?"

Lord, let me let you. "He's with Jesus."

"How come?"

"Your daddy was the greatest guy and everybody loved him, but nobody loved him more than Jesus and so Jesus brought your daddy to live with him."

"Oh, okay."

Such innocence. I know that eventually, in the coming days, she is going to realize that she's never going to see her daddy again. Please Lord, give the people around her, the people who love her, the wisdom and strength to know how to help this baby. Please Lord, give me the wisdom and strength to know how to help my friend. And Jesus, please be with my friend and her family and draw them closer to You and each other as they navigate these oh-so-stormy waters.

Amen.

What Child is This?

2010-04-03T18:41:00.010-06:00

How on earth did I end up with the child I did? I can't figure out exactly where he came from, 'cept that it's obviously another planet. He's 15, he's grumpy, he's moody, he's hormonal, and he's a total drama queen. And oh yeah...he's a slob!

Now I have admitted to being a closet slob, but this is not the same at all! In fact, I'd appreciate it if he would be a closet slob 'cause at least then his room would look clean! I have learned in the past few years to just close the door to his room. And usually I'm okay with leaving it at that. But then there are "the times." The times I open the door and can't see the floor, the times I open the door and can't see the bed, the times I open the door and the smell knocks me to my knees.

This is one of those smelly times. But when the son is asked to clean his room, we get the rolling eyes, the big sigh and the "it's not that bad" whine!!! It takes him days. It takes multiple room checks before he is finally finished. And each time is a fight. I'm tired of fighting. And of course I blame myself. "What did I teach/not teach him when he was younger?" "What am I doing wrong?" "How can he think that this is an acceptable way to live?"

And unfortunately this attitude of his doesn't just apply to his room. His homework and grades suffer the same fate. When I first asked him, on Thursday night, to clean his room over the weekend, I got the "but I've got three days worth of homework to finish" excuse. (btw...this week is spring break and he was on a youth service trip for most of it so he didn't have time to do homework until now) So I gave him a fair deal. I told him that both things need to be done by Sunday night or he will lose many privileges until it was done. (this means he has four nights and three days to get it done)

So...I'm not gonna nag him, right? (Although I do reserve the right to ask if he's done) He knows the score. He knows exactly what he'll be losing if this work is not finished in the time given. So when he goes upstairs today (Saturday) to play video games, I ask him if he's worked on his homework and he tells me he needs to get the rubric from someone. I ask him if he doesn't have the rubric in his backpack and he replies "I got it over a month ago, do you really think I'd still have it?" Am I the only one who finds this response unbelievable?? This is a project that is due Monday when he gets back to school and it's a literature project and literature is his worst subject and he's had a month to work on this and as of 6:59 p.m. on the Saturday night before spring break ends and the project is due he has not done a thing!!!

I am so at the end of my rope. I so do not know what to do with this child. I did tell him that if he wants to be a freshman again next year it's not my problem. Except it is my problem because that would mean one more year of him living in my house. Is this happening because he basically was raised as an only? (closest sib is 11 years older) I don't think he's spoiled. He knows that if he disrespects an adult he'll get his ass kicked. He knows if he wants a new video game system or video game or ipod or car or whatever, he needs to save the money for it. He knows that if he has no clean underwear he'd better do a load of laundry.

I'm tryin' to hold on to the promise that God has a plan for me and for him. And I know that we grow closer to God when we're in the shitholes of life. I just hope God's plan for him isn't workin' at MickeyD's and living in the garage. But He does want the best for us, right? I pray that the best for my son is being a successful, independent, cleanliness-is-next-to-Godliness, not living at home kind of guy! Anyway...

thanks for listenin'

p.s. I guess I'd rather him be a slobby slob than a closet slob 'cause then the smell could get really bad!

When You're Fifteen

2010-04-01T16:06:00.010-06:00

So I'm drivin' down the hill this afternoon to pick up a wedding gift for my friend Brendan (brendanmccarthymusic.com) and his new bride Rachael (www.rachaellampa.com). I'm drivin' the big new truck because I can just plug in my iPod (which I think is the greatest thing ever!!). I've got a country playlist that I'm listenin' to (now all I need are cowboy boots and a Stetson to complete the picture). Taylor Swift's "Fifteen" comes on and I start crying.

I realized that I am angry, that I have been angry most of my life. A couple of weekends ago I flew to Minneapolis in order to drive to Sioux Falls to check in on my grammie and my dad. The night before I flew back home from Minnesota I had dinner with my BFF Kyle. Kyle and I met in 7th grade and had not quite two years together before I moved to Wisconsin. And this is why I am angry.

I am angry because I moved every year and a half to two years of my life. I am angry that I went to three elementary schools, one junior high and, especially, SIX high schools. I never had the chance to make life-long friends and life-long memories. Kyle is all I have and I want his memories to be mine too! I wanted to finish growing up with Kyle and Bob and Lisa and Cathy. I want to be able to reminisce about the crazy things we did in high school BUT I CAN'T because I wasn't there because my dad was more worried about pleasing his parents than about what all the moving was doing to his children.

Only God knows how or why Kyle and I have managed to stay together. And maybe it's a mid-life thing, but when I see Kyle all I want to do is hang out with him and Bob and Lisa and make new memories so that when we're in the nursing home we can talk about the crazy things we did in our "youth" and I will have been a part of it! ('cept I don't think our spouses would understand or want to be involved)

I know that I have to let go of this anger. Except I think I need to live through it first. I didn't realize how angry I was until started seeing Kyle semi-regularly and started therapy. It's as if my dad's emotional abuse wasn't bad enough. I had to live through making new friends every year or so. Maybe this is why I started sleeping with every boyfriend I had after Kyle, to make friends and be accepted. After all, when you're fifteen, being part of the crowd is the most important thing in your world. I feel so cheated. My dad totally fucked up my life and now, thanks to dementia, I can't even confront him about it.

Okay, I know that my mom is partly to blame. And I'm angry with her too because she never stood up to dad and never put me and my sister first until it was too late, at least for me. I was already smoking, doing drugs, and sleeping around. But I can confront my mom about this and I can let her know how angry I am and how much it still hurts. But this needs to be a face-to-face conversation and I don't know when that will happen.

Well...I just had to get that off my chest.

thanks for listenin'...

A Kiss and a Hug and My First Bra

2010-03-29T12:16:00.006-06:00

So...I've been going to therapy for a while now and it's definitely not getting any easier. I am dredging up shit I thought I had buried forever.

Until last week, I had never heard the term "emotional incest" but that is exactly what my therapist said I had experienced during my childhood. He and I had already determined that my dad had issues with women thanks to his mother (but that's a whole other post). He always used inappropriate language and told inappropriate jokes. For as long as I can remember, even after I had moved out and gotten married, I had to hug and kiss my dad, on the lips, every time I saw him and he always wanted me to sit on his lap.

I believe that I started refusing to sit on his lap after an incident that happened when I was in 8th grade (I think it was 8th grade). I had just gotten my first bra. I was doing dishes with my mom when my dad came up behind me and tried to put his hand down my shirt. I pulled away and looked at my mom to do something. She continued to wash the dishes, staring hard out the kitchen window. Why didn't she do something? Why didn't she protect me?

I want to think that I remember talking about this with her years later and that she has regretted not doing anything for all these years, but I don't know if that's a real memory or wishful thinking. All I know for sure is that last week I told my therapist and husband about it. It was the one of the hardest, most shameful things I've ever had to say out loud. I figured my man would be so disgusted with me, that I had allowed my dad to do that to me. The shame is still so devastating, even over 30 years later.

The adult part of me knows that it was not my fault, that I did nothing wrong to make my dad do the things he did, but the child in me still feels ashamed and dirty and guilty. Even now, with my dad in a nursing home, suffering from dementia, I still feel like he's checking me out every time I walk into his room. And yet that expectation, a kiss and a hug, is still there - not only from dad but from his mother as well. And as hard as I try to get by the nausea, as hard as I still try to be the "good girl," I can't do it. I can't hug my dad, I can't get past the thought of being pressed up against him. I will kiss him on the cheek to placate grammie, but then I immediately have to go wash my mouth and lips.

Okay...I've gotta stop here, take a breather. I need to brush my teeth, wash my mouth, and call my sister cause I feel like she may have had to sit on his lap at lot more often once I started refusing to.

Thanks for listenin'

A Little Too Crazy update...

2010-03-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

AWESOME Young Life banquet tonight! Great food, raw eggs in my hair and a 20 minute car ride home with 2 boys inhaling helium...what a great way to praise God! (and almost wet my pants :O)

A Little Too Crazy

2010-03-12T16:46:00.002-07:00

So right now I am gettin' ready to head out to our annual Young Life fundraising banquet. I will be an actual part of the banquet this year (as opposed to just hosting a table) and will be gettin' on stage and makin' a total ass of myself in front of a room full of people.

But as a "good" (and I use that term lightly :O) friend pointed out - I do that on a daily basis so it shouldn't be a problem for me at all!

It's gonna be a blast!!!

Is This Test Accurate?

2010-03-09T19:54:00.009-07:00

Hey Y'all ~

Last week I was planning on going to Albuquerque with a friend to see Addison Road (OMGosh I love Addison Road). Well, my friend couldn't make it and I didn't want to drive by myself, so I puttered away the afternoon shopping in Santa Fe and spending way too much money. It was all Barb's fault.

I spent the day today with my friend Jana. We went to Santa Fe to return the swimming suits she had bought at Sam's and tried to return last week only to realize that she forgot her receipt! I made sure she had it today before we left "the hill." I didn't need a thing from Santa Fe today so I'm trying to figure out how come I came home with a bunch of bags and another new pair of shoes (7th new pair in 2 weeks - I can admit I have a problem; I'm just not ready to get help yet!) It was all Jana's fault!

I am actually starting to show Jana pieces of my heart and so far she hasn't run away screaming!

We also wanted to pick-up some totally comfy jammies for our friend Jen who is recovering from a hysterectomy. Found the absolutely, most perfect pair (and some matching snuggy socks) and started for home. No sooner had we left TJ Maxx (where I bought way more than I needed - surprised?) when Barb called me to tell me that tests on Jen's removed parts revealed the big C. Uterine cancer. So Jana and I called our husbands and told them we would be later than we thought, we were going straight to Jen's.

Last week, before Jen's surgery, she was convinced that she was going to die on the table. I think the fact that she survived the surgery has made facing the cancer not quite so devastating as it could've been. She is one of the strongest people I know, it was caught early, and we (she and all her friends) will stand together and kick this cancer in the ass!

I knew there was a reason I quit my "real" job...as a sub I'll be able to arrange my schedule so I'll be free to take her to any appointments or to get pedis or a massage (I'm bein' totally altruistic here!)

And...speaking of tests, the 8th grade girlfriend of my "other" son has taken one pregnancy test (which my son thought we should buy for her - smart boy) and it was negative. There is one more in the box so please keep praying until we know absolutely positively for sure that she is not preggers.

thanks for listenin'

Love Like You'll Never be Hurt

2010-03-05T13:29:00.022-07:00

Hey y'all -

Just put a new blinky on my page and it's something I try to live by. I totally sing like no one is listening - mainly because no one is listening. They've all left the room :O) Same goes for my dancing. Elaine Bennis gots nothin' on me! I strive to live joyfully and gracefully every day and am thankful to God for the chance to do it. The one thing I have trouble with is "love like you'll never be hurt."

Because I have been hurt. Many times. My parents hurt me. My dad by being a bully and my mom by not standing up for me. My ex-husband hurt me, physically and emotionally. I have been let down by others, consciously or not.

But my freshest hurt comes Philomena*. Philomena and I met when I worked at the daycare where her daughter went. We clicked. We were immediate best friends. We were going to travel together and grow old together. Our husbands liked each other and we all did things together at least once a week. If one of our husbands talked about moving and getting a different job, he had to make sure that there was a job for the other husband - so we could still be together.

At the time I was in a difficult position with my teenage daughter. I often called Philomena to bitch or cry about how horrible she was being. (typical teen daughter shit - I know). But at the same time, I was there for her when she was having any kind of trouble. We leaned on each other. We called each other every day just to check in, laugh, or offer support if needed.

Over Christmas break, about five years ago, she went to California with her family for the holiday. I knew it was going to be a stressful time for her so when I hadn't heard from her for a few days after she had gotten back, I called her. I left a message. No response. I sent funny emails. No response. I put up a funny "have you seen this woman" flyer on her front door. No response.

I could not figure out what was happening and was starting to feel like I was losing it. I finally decided one night that I was going to go over to her house and ask her straight out what was going on. I was so paranoid by this point that I actually parked my car down the street thinking that if she saw it she wouldn't answer the door.

Her husband answered the door and was as friendly as ever. He went to get Philomena and the moment I saw her I burst into tears. We went out on the deck to talk (cause you can't have a talk about friendship without a smoke). She told me she couldn't be my friend anymore because it was always all about me. My heart stopped beating.

I have only seen (glimpsed) her twice since then. And in a town as small as mine, that's not easy to do. About a year ago I sent her an email. Just wanted to let her know that I was thinking of her and wondering how she was doing and that I missed her. No response.

I am so afraid of finding a new friend. I am afraid that I will open my heart, become vulnerable (which, btw, I hate), talk too much about myself, and get dumped. My heart is closed as tight as a bank vault. I know that without great risk there cannot be great love but, even after 5+ years, the hurt is still so fresh and still frequently brings tears. Sometimes I can talk about it without crying, but only on a superficial level. To really talk about it drops me to my knees.

But - I have made a couple of new friends. I haven't let them in very far yet. But I'm learning to do that, trusting that God will protect my heart if (when) I dare to give it away again.

thanks for listenin'

*Name has obviously been changed :O)

I Believe Him

2010-03-02T14:04:00.004-07:00

Hey Yall -

I was over at http://www.chattingatthesky.com/ earlier this morning and Emily was talking about receiving love from her husband and what a gift it is and it got me to thinking. A few posts back I kinda whined about not getting Tiffany's for our 20th anniversary. (yes ~ I am that spoiled...by my husband who loves me.) A few days after that my wonderful husband explained why he got me the gift that he did.

It's a necklace called "Journey." There are 3 diamonds representing the past, the present, and the future. He told me he picked it out because of the amazing, stressful, wonderful, frustrating, blessed journey we have been on together for the last 24 years and because he is so looking forward to our journey together in the future. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

My husband loves me! Unconditionally! I feel so unworthy of his adoration. I am afraid of this love because he has trusted me with the most precious gift he could ever give me ~ his heart. I hold it in my hands and he continually believes that I will not drop it or harm it or break it. I have failed him so many times and every time he forgives me. He accepts me with all my flaws and loves me in spite of them.

I didn't used to believe him when he told me he loved me...in my skewed view of love, I was so undeserving. If I didn't get the love I needed growing up, why on earth would I get it as a "grown-up?" I know that God sent him to me in order to give me a glimpse of His unconditional love. I know that God sent him to me so that I would know love and learn to receive it and learn to give it. And I am learning love...I'm learning to open up and let my husband see inside me, to see my scars and my hurts and my disappointments. And it doesn't scare him off! He is loving me in spite of and because of who I am.

I am so blessed ~ thank you Lord for the gift of my man.

thanks for listenin'

Well Knock Me Over with a Feather

2010-02-23T21:10:00.005-07:00

Hey Y'all...

My teenager tells me he needs some new sneakers and some new jeans. (somehow his clothes have been disappearin' since he started doing his own laundry. Yeah, I can't figure it out either) So I pick him up from school and we head to one of the two stores in town where we can actually buy shoes and clothes.* After tryin' on 5 pairs of sneakers, he decides that the most expensive ones are the most comfortable ones (are you surprised? didn't think so). So we're standin' at the cash register and I look over at him and he's got his arms open. Open?

"Hug?" he asks.

"What??" I ask back.

"I wanna hug," he says.

"Really? Why?" I ask. (what else could he want? I just bought the most expensive pair of shoes in the store!)

"Just 'cause."

"IN PUBLIC?"

"Yeah."

So what did I do? I picked my amazed ass up off the floor and hugged my crabby, don't-talk-to- me-in-public, bigger than me, 15-year-old son.

Sometimes parenting does have its rewards.

Thanks for listenin'

*I am totally serious - we only have TWO clothes/shoe stores in town. If we want a wider variety we have to drive for 45 minutes. Sometimes livin' in the mountains sucks :O)

What Do You Do With Teenagers?

2010-02-21T11:50:00.005-07:00

Hey Y'all...

I have such a heart for teenagers. I know this is why my husband and I have been involved in Young Life for a decade. I often find myself wonderin' how my life may have turned out if I had known about Young Life when I was in high school. I want so much to help teens avoid some of the mistakes that I made when I was their age. Unfortunately, some (most) of them don't believe that I actually do understand some of what they're goin' through.

My son showed me a text the other day that he got from his best friend's girlfriend. It said that she had had sex with her boyfriend (the best friend) WITHOUT A RUBBER! My immediate gut reaction was to smack the best friend upside the head (he is like another child to me and my husband, so I don't know if this would constitute child abuse...:) My son begged me not to say anything to anyone because he doesn't want his friend mad at him. And I don't want my son mad at me but how do I not talk about this with my friends? I need help. I have asked the few people I have talked to to please pray for my wisdom. And now the girlfriend thinks she might be pregnant. She is in 8th grade and the boyfriend is in 9th! My heart is breaking.

I spend my life workin' with these kids: I am a Young Life leader, I work at the middle school, the high school, and the upper elementaries, yet I don't feel like I'm makin' a difference in any of their lives. I know they like me and think I'm cool, which is great, but I want them to know my love and to know Jesus' love for them and to know that they can have the most awesome life...that God and I both want to give them the very best. Some of my Young Life kids come from hard lives...from abuse to missing parents...and I want them to know that there are adults they can trust, who love them completely and unconditionally. But I don't know how to convince them of this. My daily prayer is simple: "Let me let You." Let me show Your love through my relationships with them, let them see You in me.

Please pray for me - that I can reach these kids and that I'll have the wisdom I need to convince them of Jesus' love for them.

Thanks for listenin'

Do I Have To?

2010-02-18T17:18:00.002-07:00

Hey Y'all...

So, the season of Lent is upon us. I have decided that since I've already given up my favorite things, which would be Salem Lights, tequila*, and ice cream, I'm not givin' up anything else! I'm gonna add something instead. Probly haven't mentioned this yet, but I have been strugglin' with my weight since I quit smokin' the first time in 1990. And...not only did I quit smokin' then, I got a desk job at the same time! (not a good combo) So 20 years later, I'm still tryin' to get rid of the 60 pounds that damn desk job put on my once oh-so-slender frame. Part of the reason I'm havin' such a hard time is that I have an aversion to exercise (and they all said "amen"). I never exercised as a kid - I just rode my bike everywhere and played tennis and softball all summer and skied all winter! But to actually have to go somewhere just to sweat while not havin' fun...well, thanks but no thanks!

Anyway, this ramblin' is just my way of lettin' y'all know that I am adding exercise to my Lenten season! I am purposely gonna get sweaty and I am gonna do it every day! And to make it official, I actually told my husband (who still wears the same waist size as the day I met him - asshole!) and since he works out every day, and sometimes gets up at 5:00 A.M. (yes, that is NOT a typo, I do mean 5 in the morning...) to do it, he is not gonna let me slack off. But because I need to be accountable to more folks than just my man, cuz I can fake a "headache" like nobody's business, I am going to be accountable to you - whoever and where ever you may be!

So - I'd like you to add something to your Lenten season...keepin' me on a tight leash! Thank you for your support :O)

Thanks for listenin'

*and gin and vodka and rum and so on...

Profound? NOT!

2010-02-15T15:34:00.004-07:00

Hey y'all...

I suppose I really should be writin' somthin' profound here after my first official therapy session, but I am still tryin' to process it all. Somethin' to do with my parents and my marriage and the fact that I am unhappy in my "perfect" life. Once I have it a little worked out...

On a lighter note - I did get diamonds for Valentine's day! Not the Tiffany's I was hopin' for, but the fact that my husband (and a guy friend) actually went to the jeweler's and picked out somethin' all by themselves was a miracle in itself! (and I have absolutely no problem buyin' myself Tiffany's if I really need it)

btw...my friend Sarah at http://www.sarahmarkley.com/ recently recommended a book and I'd like to second her recommendation! "Thin Places: A Memoir" by Mary E. DeMuth is fantastic! Like sittin' down to coffee with a good friend and just listenin' to her tell you her story.

Thanks for listenin'

Hot Flashes & Cigarettes

2010-02-09T15:12:00.002-07:00

Hey Y'all

There have been a few things on my mind today. First - I'm tryin' to become an ex-smoker (again)(sigh). Tomorrow it will be two months since I had my last smoke. Mostly I don't miss it, but livin' with a 15-year-old boy - there are days I'm dyin'! I have been an ex-smoker before...I quit for 10 years, after smokin' for 10 years, and was really okay, ('cept for the 60+ pound weight gain) but then my town almost burned down. The whole town was evacuated and our neighborhood was the last to be allowed back in. I spent the better part of a week wonderin' if we would have a house to go home to (we did, kind of...more on that another time). Needless to say, I let the stress of that break me. So I've been a smoker again (on and off) for 10 years. (must be something 'bout the number 10) My issue this time is that the last time I quit, I satisfied my cravings with cookies! This time I gave myself two months without my beloved Salems before openin' the Nutrisystem box that came in the mail last week. So I'm gonna ask for your prayers...for strength to continue not smokin' ('cause I really love smokin' and am always lookin' for a reason to start again) and self-control to stick with the Nutrisystem and actually set-up the Wii Fit I bought six months ago and haven't takin' out of the box!

The other thing that has been on my mind today is "The Dreaded Hot-Flash!" Why oh why do they come on at the most inopportune times??!! But even more than that, I'd like to know if there is a "Hot-Flash-Proof" make-up!? You know, something that won't slide off my face onto the counter at the grocery store and that will somewhat hide the really red face!! If any of y'all know of some - let me know! I'll be forever grateful :O)

Thanks for listenin'

Comin' out of the closet

2010-02-05T15:22:00.002-07:00

Hey y'all...

I have a confession to make. I am a closet slob. By this I don't mean that my closets are sloppy (though they are) but that I need to portray a certain image. Everything has to look like I've got it all together. My friends come over and talk about how clean my house is. I've told 'em that it's not clean - just picked up. No one could ever eat off any of my floors! And whatever you do, do not look in any closets or drawers! I just don't like to clean. I have this really great vacuum that I made my husband buy for me. My friend has one and she let me use hers once (to vacuum brick floors UGH) and I decided then and there that I needed that vacuum. Well, I use it so infrequently that one day when I got home from work I heard this strange noise coming from upstairs. I went to investigate - it was my husband and he was vacuumin'! I didn't even recognize the sound. It doesn't help my cleanin' problem that I live in a temporary 60-year-old government house that is about as air-tight as a screen door. Or the fact that I have a 15-year-old son (and friends), a 40+ year-old husband (and friends), and three dogs! Only one of them is a real shedder (one of the dogs, the kid and husband really don't shed much) but she sheds enough for five dogs. I also have hardwood floors and the dust bunnies know where I live! I have seen some that are as big as my malti-poo...I'm thinkin' I should name 'em and give 'em their own room. Now to be truthful - I do have to admit that I am ridiculously anal about somethings. My spice cabinet is alphabetized and if you take something off the mantel to look at it, you'd better put it back exactly where you found it. But for the most part...huh, who cares? I would much rather spend my time readin' a book (on my new Kindle - LOVE it), playin' with my kid, or takin' care of my farm on Facebook. But since I need everyone to think that I have it totally together, my house needs to be picked up, my shoes need to match my belt, which needs to match my sunglasses, which needs to match my purse and and so on... I am loosenin' up a little - I don't run around cleanin' before company (includin' my mother-in-law) and last week I bought a purple purse. I don't have a purple thing in my closet except for my Vikings jersey and I usually don't need a purse when I'm wearin' that! Nothing will match my purple purse which gives me some comfort - no one is going to notice that my belt doesn't match, they're going to be too busy admiring my purple purse! Now if only it was a purple plastic purse I'd have it made!

Thanks for listening :O)

am i nuts??

2010-02-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Y'all...

My friend Barb (http://www.joyfulnoiseforajoyfullife.blogspot.com/) just recently started a blog and she's been after me to do it since. I have been thinkin' about it and playin' with a page but still haven't made up my mind. I am definitely not a writer and quite often I find myself not a thinker either. Especially when it comes to the garbage inside. I just recently started therapy and I think it's really gonna suck! I was in tears at my first visit and usually I don't cry until at least the sixth or seventh visit. Is that the sign of a good therapist or a bad therapist? IDK. But I do know he is gonna make me work hard and dig deep and I am absolutely terrified. Another blogger friend Lisa Jo (http://thegypsymama.com/) wrote today about how sometimes it's easier. Seems like it'll be easier to open up to my therapist. After all, he has no vested interest in me. But to open up to my husband or to a friend, well I would hafta be a special kind of stoopid to do that! After all, they could leave me after hearin' my story. And that thought is scarier than talkin' to the man (my guru is a guy). I'm prayin' that God will give me the strength and the courage to deal with the crap. (I also pray He provides the tequila!) And what's really funny is that I have spent the last couple of days mullin' over scripture and my own ideas for a talk I have to give Monday night at Wyld Life club (Young Life for middle schoolers) about how God blesses us and wants to bless us and made us so He could bless us. The talk has ended up bein' about gettin' through the kaka (did I spell that right?) with Him and how He blesses us throughout the whole thing. So what on earth am I so afraid of? I know that God will use this therapy as a blessing in my life. I know that my life will be enriched through this process. And I know that my wonderful husband (of 20+ years) will not dump me - he will love me through it just like Jesus will. I'm pretty sure most of my friends won't throw me under the bus either. So I may not be a writer but I just discovered that I definitely am a rambler...

Thanks for listenin' :O)

testing 123

2010-02-02T23:34:00.000-07:00

this is just a test - i'm still deciding if i'm really gonna do this!

a little too crazy to be cool

Movin' On

Dazee Wants to Know

Wordless Wednesday - My "New" Guest Room

Post-It Note Tuesday

Is Your Bush-Waxed

Damn Bird

Lately...

I'm Sad...

I Used to be Smart...

Awards & Other Random Shit

Is it Safe?

Can You See Me Now?

WTF?

Post-It Note Tuesday

Fawk You Friday

Follow Me Friday

Crank Open Dem Windows

Wonder & Amazement

Substance? Who? Me?

Post-It Note Tuesday

Girltime, Schmirltime

Couldn't Resist

Free Therapy!!!

Post-It Note Tuesday

the Happiness Project

Father's Day

Letters of Intent

Wordless Wednesday

Post-It Note Tuesday

The Happiness Project

Sullen Saturday

Memorials

The Ultimate Honey-Do List

Bonus

Wordless Wednesday

Do Men Ever Really Listen?

Non-essentials

Follow Me Friday

OMG! My Head is Gonna Explode!

Wordless Wednesday

Post-It Note Tuesday

Bitch and Moan Monday

Ponder This...

Whaddya Know!

Post-It Note Tuesday

The Happiness Project

Sometimes My Kid is NOT Very Nice!

My First Award!

the Happiness Project

Post-It Note Tuesday

New Furniture and an Old Love Letter

Proper Potty Etiquette

Attention children ...the bathroom door is closed!

Happy Mother's Day Mommies!!

Please Pray for Monkey

Friday's are for Fakin' It!

I Musta Been High...

The Happiness Project

Holy Crap-a-molie Batman!

Post-It Note Tuesday

How 'Bout a REAL Apology??

Ramblin'

Cancelled

What a Day!

Stop on By...

A Three-Word Prayer

The Question...

Just Breathe

Help...

What Child is This?

When You're Fifteen

A Kiss and a Hug and My First Bra

A Little Too Crazy update...

AWESOME Young Life banquet tonight! Great food, raw eggs in my hair and a 20 minute car ride home with 2 boys inhaling helium...what a great way to praise God! (and almost wet my pants :O)

A Little Too Crazy

Is This Test Accurate?

Love Like You'll Never be Hurt

I Believe Him

Well Knock Me Over with a Feather

Attention children ...
the bathroom door is closed!