I Used to be Smart...

honestly!  I was quick-minded.  I could come up with the perfect snappy comeback in a nanosecond.  Now?  I'm amazed if I can tie my shoes.  Actually?  I don't know right now if I can tie my shoes since it's summer and I'm livin' in flip-flops.

Currently?  The smallest things have the ability to confuse the hell outta me.  And?  If it's something that's even slightly complicated?  I get so stressed that I cry.  I spent most of this morning trying to fill out the visa form for my trip to Russia next month.  Could they make these things any more difficult?  I need to have a sponsor just to visit the damn country!  And, of course?  I accidentally deleted the email from the hubs with Svetlana's info on it, so I couldn't put her as my sponsor.  You can actually use your hotel as a sponsor but?  I couldn't call them cause my cell plan doesn't include international calling.  Also?  The reservation is in the hubs name since he'll be there a day before I will.  Shit the bed.

I try calling the Russian Consulate in Houston, push eightygazillion buttons, then hear "Thank you for calling.  Have a nice day," click.  WTF?  This happened three times!  I'm thinkin' that if the damn Russkies knew how I could stimulate their economy on my 5 day visit, they'd be rollin' out the red carpet!  Right?

So just as I'm about to pull out the few hairs I have remaining on my head?  The hubs calls!  It's kismet or fate or some kinda shit like that!  He tells me to call his secretary, the Travel Goddess Leslie, and she'll get it all taken care of for me!  Huh!  More people!  Did I mention how I love having people?  Specially now since my brain is mushy shit.

I call the Travel Goddess Leslie and all I have to do is email her some information, get a passport picture (yeah...another one) and meet her for coffee to give her the photo and my passport.  Who knew?!  So?  Those dumb asshats at the Russian Consulate in Houston can kiss my big, white, butt!  I'll get to their fuckin' country without them.  And let's just see how much I stimulate their economy!  Okay, okay, I'll still be stimulating their economy but I'm gonna bitch about it.

Now?  I just ordered concert tickets for the hubs and the boy and a friend to go to the Scorpions concert at the end of the month.  I know right?  Scorpions?!  Anyway, I have ordered concert tickets a bajillion times through Live Nation.  Yet?  They still expect me to remember my freakin' password!  So I spend about 10 minutes gettin' a new password, re-setting the password, puttin' in all the credit card info and shit that they are supposed to remember if I remember my password and finally get the tickets.  These boys better appreciate me!

On a lighter note (least til November 2nd) I got my Republican National Committee pin in the mail.  Good thing too since no one would ever know I'm a Republican.  Unless?  They happen to notice the Tea Party sticker on my jeep, the Republican elephant hitch cover on my jeep, or the Republican elephant tattoo on my ankle!  Doh!

And?  Don't be a hater...Republicans have feelings too!

Awards & Other Random Shit

The delicious JoJo over at Newlywed Adventures gave lil ole me an Outstanding Blogger award.  It's pretty obvious from this that she is very young and inexperienced!  But?  She's wet-your-pants funny so you should go and visit her!

Also?  How strange is it that last night, about 7:00 p.m., I get a text from the hubs?  Not so strange?  'Cept that it was 8:00 a.m. Monday morning where he was!  I just can't quite wrap my feeble little mind around that.  Is this some sort of time travel thing?  I guess when you're in eastern Siberia it is a time travel kinda thing...he'll be home just long enough to return to the time he really lives in only to have to time travel again.  But?  The most awesome thing about his next time travel?  I get to meet him in Moscow at the end of his business!  He's been goin' to Russia for over 12 years and I have never had the chance to go with and I am bustin' a gut in excitement.  Even pre-packin' in my mind what I'll need to bring.  Something that's totally New Mexico for our friend Svetlana.  Who, by the way?  Is gonna spend a whole day with just me showing me around!  How freakin' cool is that??  And?  I have official "people" who will pick me up at the airport and escort me past the miles-long passport control and custom lines and whisk me to my hotel!  Suh-weet!  I adore having "people."

And?  This morning?  When I woke up?  There was no fuckin' pounding goin' on at my house!!!  No wonder I slept til 10!  Best part?  They won't be back til the end of next week!  Because they ran out of siding and it's custom and it won't even be shipped til next Monday.  So I could be lookin' at a nice, relaxing week of quiet?  Not so fast my friends.  I've hired the youth group from church to re-landscape my front yard.  Actually?  They will be landscaping the front yard since what's there right now is shit.

But today?  Is a totally lazy day.  I've been up for almost 3 hours and am feelin' the need for a nap comin' on.

Have a wonderful Monday!  (Shut up...I know it's an oxymoron but at least try, k?)

Is it Safe?

For as long as I can remember, I never really felt safe with my dad.  Nothing I can point my finger at and say "Oh yeah...that's why!"  Except?  I always had to sit on his lap and he always wanted a kiss on the lips and the time he put his hand down my shirt.  And if I did something wrong when I was with him?  What kind of unappreciative daughter was I?  I just know that I really never wanted to be alone with him.  I still don't.  I think my mom knew how I felt.  She even had a friend who asked her if she thought there was sexual abuse going on.

"Oh no.  I would know if something like that was happening."  But?  Would she?  Was there?  I honestly don't know and it really doesn't even matter anymore.  My dad sits in a wheelchair every day either watching tv, being fed, or having his shitty diapers changed.  I don't even know if he knows who I am anymore.  But?  When I do see him?  I still feel like he's checking me out, in a sick, perverted, sexual  kind of way.

On the other hand?  If my mom knew, suspected, intuited, that I didn't feel safe?  Why didn't she do something?

I'm trying to work through some shit - obviously - and trying to understand why my mom didn't do more to protect me.  Not just physically from my dad, but emotionally as well.  To protect myself from him and his moods?  I had to be the perfect child.  I had to be dad's favorite - his princess.  Because if I did something wrong?  Like all kids will do?  I suffered.  I suffered from the crushing disappointment that I was to my father.  I was so disappointing?  My dad wouldn't be able to talk to me for a week or so because his feelings were so hurt and I would bust my ass trying to make it all better.

Now I'm realizing?  That I couldn't have done anything to make it better because I had, in reality, done nothing wrong.  I had just been being a kid who screws up every once in a while.  But?  I knew that if I could be the good girl, the perfect girl, my dad would just love me for me.  I was always the good girl.  Even when I was being the bad girl?  I was still the good girl who would sit on dad's lap and kiss him on the lips when I got home from school.

Well?  Guess what?  I'm tired of being that good girl.  But letting go of the good girl label and all that goes with it?  Is really fucking hard.  It hurts.  It makes me cry and I fucking hate to cry because only babies cry - good girls, big girls, don't cry.  Fickey (my therapist) said that I should cry every day as I work through this.  He says I have to go through this, I can't go around it or over it or under it.  Because if I let a little of the pain out every day?  Pretty soon it'll become more manageable.  It'll become less and less intense.  It will hurt a little less every day.  And one day?  I'll be able to look at my dad and not feel like throwing up.  I will be able to look at my mom and know that she was working so hard with her own shit that she couldn't help me with mine.  I may even want to have a relationship with her again.  Not as mother and daughter, but as grown woman to grown woman.

And also?  Someday?  I may feel like I'm fit to be in the company of humans again.