A Kiss and a Hug and My First Bra

So...I've been going to therapy for a while now and it's definitely not getting any easier. I am dredging up shit I thought I had buried forever.

Until last week, I had never heard the term "emotional incest" but that is exactly what my therapist said I had experienced during my childhood. He and I had already determined that my dad had issues with women thanks to his mother (but that's a whole other post). He always used inappropriate language and told inappropriate jokes. For as long as I can remember, even after I had moved out and gotten married, I had to hug and kiss my dad, on the lips, every time I saw him and he always wanted me to sit on his lap.

I believe that I started refusing to sit on his lap after an incident that happened when I was in 8th grade (I think it was 8th grade). I had just gotten my first bra. I was doing dishes with my mom when my dad came up behind me and tried to put his hand down my shirt. I pulled away and looked at my mom to do something. She continued to wash the dishes, staring hard out the kitchen window. Why didn't she do something? Why didn't she protect me?

I want to think that I remember talking about this with her years later and that she has regretted not doing anything for all these years, but I don't know if that's a real memory or wishful thinking. All I know for sure is that last week I told my therapist and husband about it. It was the one of the hardest, most shameful things I've ever had to say out loud. I figured my man would be so disgusted with me, that I had allowed my dad to do that to me. The shame is still so devastating, even over 30 years later.

The adult part of me knows that it was not my fault, that I did nothing wrong to make my dad do the things he did, but the child in me still feels ashamed and dirty and guilty. Even now, with my dad in a nursing home, suffering from dementia, I still feel like he's checking me out every time I walk into his room. And yet that expectation, a kiss and a hug, is still there - not only from dad but from his mother as well. And as hard as I try to get by the nausea, as hard as I still try to be the "good girl," I can't do it. I can't hug my dad, I can't get past the thought of being pressed up against him. I will kiss him on the cheek to placate grammie, but then I immediately have to go wash my mouth and lips.

Okay...I've gotta stop here, take a breather. I need to brush my teeth, wash my mouth, and call my sister cause I feel like she may have had to sit on his lap at lot more often once I started refusing to.

Thanks for listenin'

A Little Too Crazy update...

AWESOME Young Life banquet tonight! Great food, raw eggs in my hair and a 20 minute car ride home with 2 boys inhaling helium...what a great way to praise God! (and almost wet my pants :O)

A Little Too Crazy

So right now I am gettin' ready to head out to our annual Young Life fundraising banquet. I will be an actual part of the banquet this year (as opposed to just hosting a table) and will be gettin' on stage and makin' a total ass of myself in front of a room full of people.

But as a "good" (and I use that term lightly :O) friend pointed out - I do that on a daily basis so it shouldn't be a problem for me at all!

It's gonna be a blast!!!

Is This Test Accurate?

Hey Y'all ~

Last week I was planning on going to Albuquerque with a friend to see Addison Road (OMGosh I love Addison Road). Well, my friend couldn't make it and I didn't want to drive by myself, so I puttered away the afternoon shopping in Santa Fe and spending way too much money. It was all Barb's fault.

I spent the day today with my friend Jana. We went to Santa Fe to return the swimming suits she had bought at Sam's and tried to return last week only to realize that she forgot her receipt! I made sure she had it today before we left "the hill." I didn't need a thing from Santa Fe today so I'm trying to figure out how come I came home with a bunch of bags and another new pair of shoes (7th new pair in 2 weeks - I can admit I have a problem; I'm just not ready to get help yet!) It was all Jana's fault!

I am actually starting to show Jana pieces of my heart and so far she hasn't run away screaming!

We also wanted to pick-up some totally comfy jammies for our friend Jen who is recovering from a hysterectomy. Found the absolutely, most perfect pair (and some matching snuggy socks) and started for home. No sooner had we left TJ Maxx (where I bought way more than I needed - surprised?) when Barb called me to tell me that tests on Jen's removed parts revealed the big C. Uterine cancer. So Jana and I called our husbands and told them we would be later than we thought, we were going straight to Jen's.

Last week, before Jen's surgery, she was convinced that she was going to die on the table. I think the fact that she survived the surgery has made facing the cancer not quite so devastating as it could've been. She is one of the strongest people I know, it was caught early, and we (she and all her friends) will stand together and kick this cancer in the ass!

I knew there was a reason I quit my "real" job...as a sub I'll be able to arrange my schedule so I'll be free to take her to any appointments or to get pedis or a massage (I'm bein' totally altruistic here!)

And...speaking of tests, the 8th grade girlfriend of my "other" son has taken one pregnancy test (which my son thought we should buy for her - smart boy) and it was negative. There is one more in the box so please keep praying until we know absolutely positively for sure that she is not preggers.

thanks for listenin'

Love Like You'll Never be Hurt

Hey y'all -

Just put a new blinky on my page and it's something I try to live by. I totally sing like no one is listening - mainly because no one is listening. They've all left the room :O) Same goes for my dancing. Elaine Bennis gots nothin' on me! I strive to live joyfully and gracefully every day and am thankful to God for the chance to do it. The one thing I have trouble with is "love like you'll never be hurt."

Because I have been hurt. Many times. My parents hurt me. My dad by being a bully and my mom by not standing up for me. My ex-husband hurt me, physically and emotionally. I have been let down by others, consciously or not.

But my freshest hurt comes Philomena*. Philomena and I met when I worked at the daycare where her daughter went. We clicked. We were immediate best friends. We were going to travel together and grow old together. Our husbands liked each other and we all did things together at least once a week. If one of our husbands talked about moving and getting a different job, he had to make sure that there was a job for the other husband - so we could still be together.

At the time I was in a difficult position with my teenage daughter. I often called Philomena to bitch or cry about how horrible she was being. (typical teen daughter shit - I know). But at the same time, I was there for her when she was having any kind of trouble. We leaned on each other. We called each other every day just to check in, laugh, or offer support if needed.

Over Christmas break, about five years ago, she went to California with her family for the holiday. I knew it was going to be a stressful time for her so when I hadn't heard from her for a few days after she had gotten back, I called her. I left a message. No response. I sent funny emails. No response. I put up a funny "have you seen this woman" flyer on her front door. No response.

I could not figure out what was happening and was starting to feel like I was losing it. I finally decided one night that I was going to go over to her house and ask her straight out what was going on. I was so paranoid by this point that I actually parked my car down the street thinking that if she saw it she wouldn't answer the door.

Her husband answered the door and was as friendly as ever. He went to get Philomena and the moment I saw her I burst into tears. We went out on the deck to talk (cause you can't have a talk about friendship without a smoke). She told me she couldn't be my friend anymore because it was always all about me. My heart stopped beating.

I have only seen (glimpsed) her twice since then. And in a town as small as mine, that's not easy to do. About a year ago I sent her an email. Just wanted to let her know that I was thinking of her and wondering how she was doing and that I missed her. No response.

I am so afraid of finding a new friend. I am afraid that I will open my heart, become vulnerable (which, btw, I hate), talk too much about myself, and get dumped. My heart is closed as tight as a bank vault. I know that without great risk there cannot be great love but, even after 5+ years, the hurt is still so fresh and still frequently brings tears. Sometimes I can talk about it without crying, but only on a superficial level. To really talk about it drops me to my knees.

But - I have made a couple of new friends. I haven't let them in very far yet. But I'm learning to do that, trusting that God will protect my heart if (when) I dare to give it away again.

thanks for listenin'

*Name has obviously been changed :O)

I Believe Him

Hey Yall -

I was over at http://www.chattingatthesky.com/ earlier this morning and Emily was talking about receiving love from her husband and what a gift it is and it got me to thinking. A few posts back I kinda whined about not getting Tiffany's for our 20th anniversary. (yes ~ I am that spoiled...by my husband who loves me.) A few days after that my wonderful husband explained why he got me the gift that he did.

It's a necklace called "Journey." There are 3 diamonds representing the past, the present, and the future. He told me he picked it out because of the amazing, stressful, wonderful, frustrating, blessed journey we have been on together for the last 24 years and because he is so looking forward to our journey together in the future. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

My husband loves me! Unconditionally! I feel so unworthy of his adoration. I am afraid of this love because he has trusted me with the most precious gift he could ever give me ~ his heart. I hold it in my hands and he continually believes that I will not drop it or harm it or break it. I have failed him so many times and every time he forgives me. He accepts me with all my flaws and loves me in spite of them.

I didn't used to believe him when he told me he loved me...in my skewed view of love, I was so undeserving. If I didn't get the love I needed growing up, why on earth would I get it as a "grown-up?" I know that God sent him to me in order to give me a glimpse of His unconditional love. I know that God sent him to me so that I would know love and learn to receive it and learn to give it. And I am learning love...I'm learning to open up and let my husband see inside me, to see my scars and my hurts and my disappointments. And it doesn't scare him off! He is loving me in spite of and because of who I am.

I am so blessed ~ thank you Lord for the gift of my man.

thanks for listenin'