Just put a new blinky on my page and it's something I try to live by. I totally sing like no one is listening - mainly because no one is listening. They've all left the room :O) Same goes for my dancing. Elaine Bennis gots nothin' on me! I strive to live joyfully and gracefully every day and am thankful to God for the chance to do it. The one thing I have trouble with is "love like you'll never be hurt."
Because I have been hurt. Many times. My parents hurt me. My dad by being a bully and my mom by not standing up for me. My ex-husband hurt me, physically and emotionally. I have been let down by others, consciously or not.
But my freshest hurt comes Philomena*. Philomena and I met when I worked at the daycare where her daughter went. We clicked. We were immediate best friends. We were going to travel together and grow old together. Our husbands liked each other and we all did things together at least once a week. If one of our husbands talked about moving and getting a different job, he had to make sure that there was a job for the other husband - so we could still be together.
At the time I was in a difficult position with my teenage daughter. I often called Philomena to bitch or cry about how horrible she was being. (typical teen daughter shit - I know). But at the same time, I was there for her when she was having any kind of trouble. We leaned on each other. We called each other every day just to check in, laugh, or offer support if needed.
Over Christmas break, about five years ago, she went to California with her family for the holiday. I knew it was going to be a stressful time for her so when I hadn't heard from her for a few days after she had gotten back, I called her. I left a message. No response. I sent funny emails. No response. I put up a funny "have you seen this woman" flyer on her front door. No response.
I could not figure out what was happening and was starting to feel like I was losing it. I finally decided one night that I was going to go over to her house and ask her straight out what was going on. I was so paranoid by this point that I actually parked my car down the street thinking that if she saw it she wouldn't answer the door.
Her husband answered the door and was as friendly as ever. He went to get Philomena and the moment I saw her I burst into tears. We went out on the deck to talk (cause you can't have a talk about friendship without a smoke). She told me she couldn't be my friend anymore because it was always all about me. My heart stopped beating.
I have only seen (glimpsed) her twice since then. And in a town as small as mine, that's not easy to do. About a year ago I sent her an email. Just wanted to let her know that I was thinking of her and wondering how she was doing and that I missed her. No response.
I am so afraid of finding a new friend. I am afraid that I will open my heart, become vulnerable (which, btw, I hate), talk too much about myself, and get dumped. My heart is closed as tight as a bank vault. I know that without great risk there cannot be great love but, even after 5+ years, the hurt is still so fresh and still frequently brings tears. Sometimes I can talk about it without crying, but only on a superficial level. To really talk about it drops me to my knees.
But - I have made a couple of new friends. I haven't let them in very far yet. But I'm learning to do that, trusting that God will protect my heart if (when) I dare to give it away again.
thanks for listenin'
*Name has obviously been changed :O)