Warning: Okay - I love Jesus. But...I can cuss like a sailor and talk dirty like a porn star. Feel free to have a look around and try not to be offended - it's the way God made me and He loves me anyway!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Do Men Ever Really Listen?

For more info about Pour Your Heart Out, click on the "Things I Can't Say" button on the right.

Okay...I'm on my road trip and after the first totally sucky day, it's gone a lot better.  (Other than stoppin' in to see Dad & Grammie - but we only stayed for an hour).  Got the big sissy dropped off at her grandma's on Sunday afternoon.  After gettin' the truck unloaded and the car trailer dropped off, I headed Up North to see my sister and gorgeous nieces.  Took them to the water park in my hotel and out to dinner.  Being the perfect auntie that I am, I told them each they could have dessert!  Of course, none of them could finish...oh well.  That's what out-of-town aunties are for. (spoilin' them)

Monday I met up with the little sissy and the grand and went to pop the daughter's IKEA cherry.  Spent hours wanderin' and oohin' and aahin' over just about everything.  Ended up fillin' the back of the truck!  New tv cabinet, new bedroom furniture* and cute little patio set* for little sissy, new head & foot board* for my guest room.  So later that night I'm talkin' to the hubs and am tellin' him about our day.  Told him what I bought with my own money, what else little sissy bought and how excited we were to start puttin' stuff together.  He is not in a "mood to talk" so my excitement wanes pretty fast and the call ends with my tellin' him to "call me when you want to talk to me."

Yesterday I'm pickin' up the daughter for lunch and he calls.  Is in a much better mood and apologizes for being so grumpy last night.  Asks what I"m doin' for the day.  I tell him I'm goin' to pick up some pots and pans, a knife set, and a cordless drill (somethin' every homeowner needs) cause I figure we can buy those for her.  Now for the not listenin' shit.  Okay - he's totally stressed about havin' enough money for our remodel that's startin' in a few weeks.  I have repeatedly said that I would get a job if I need to.  I'm totally willin' to do whatever in order to not take out a loan for remodeling.  I get that he doesn't want to have to do that.  But he starts grillin' me on the phone about how much money I'm gonna be spendin' on these few things!  Three things - not cheap things, but not bank-breakers either.  I told him probably about $250.00, why?  Because I spent so much money yesterday and whatever I spend will be comin' out of the remodel fund.  WTF?  $250.00 is gonna drain the fund?  It's gonna put a total kibosh on the remodel cause we're gonna be short now by $250.00?

I ask him if he ever listens to what I say and he says yes but I spent a lot of money Monday.  Okay... this is money that comes directly from my account**, not our account.  The money in my account is mine to do with what I want.  I say "Well, I gotta go."  "You sound like you don't wanna talk."  DUH!  "I don't.  Talk to you later."

I had been thinkin', up to this point, that therapy was helpin' and we were learnin' to communicate.  I don't know how much clearer I could have been than to say "IKEA was not bought with your money."  Now I totally feel like, at least for me, it's back to square one.  Been feelin' near tears now for a couple days.  Don't know what I can do.  Yeah - sometimes he's a total tightwad, which drives me crazy, but our daughter just bought her first friggin' house and "we" can't get a few things for her?  Fuck that.

IDK - I'm sure I'm ramblin'.  I'm just frustrated and pissed and really bummed that we still aren't communicatin'.  Lemme know if you have any ideas about how to get a guy to actually listen.  Thanks...

*Things I bought at IKEA
**Which I usually use to pick up things for the house or kid or even the hubs


  1. I've honestly got nothing. If I ever feel like I'm not being listened to, I usually call someone out on it immediately and put them on the spot. I figure that if I can't embarrass the heck outta ya for not listening to me, I can't do much!

  2. How frustrating! Men don't listen...though every time I say this around my husband, he thinks it's really funny to say, "Huh? did you say something?"

  3. Sounds like you are having a great time. Don't let hubs man ears bring ya down. Have a safe trip home.

    I was recently told that if I wanted my husband to hear what I was saying I had to maintain direct eye contact and speak very slowly :)


  4. ummm...I don't have any ideas. I repeat myself like crazy and then I'm still lucky if he gets it.

    I'm sorry ... I know that's frustrating

  5. I don't think it's possible -- you know, they speak a different language. That whole Venus & Mars thing. I've learned to be vague. Just don't tell him all the cool things you bought or how much it cost and everyone will be much happier! Still, sounds like you're having a wonderful trip -- keep having a great time and tell all your blogger friends about it. We'll be very happy for you!!!!!

  6. If you text each other, you could put it in writing. I text like crazy, but my hubby hasn't made it all the way in the 2000's yet. I'm slowly but surely pulling him in.

    Or you could wait till you get home, stand in front of the tv when he is watching something HE WANTS TO BE WATCHING, turn off the tv and talk, and make him repeat it back.

    My hubby used to try to put a damper on my spirits when I bought stuff. But I got tired of him buying stuff and me saying, cool, or that's awesome, and then having him rag on me if I bought something. Told him he had to be nicer about it, like I am with him.

    I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you.

  7. Ok, just a shot in the dark but maybe it's not that he's not listening but that you guys were having two totally different conversations (that seemed like the same one.)

    You're conversation was about how happy you were for being able to get things for your daughter and how you were enjoying seeing her and your sisters and you nieces thriving and all that.

    His conversation was about how stressed he was about this upcoming and remodel. Men stress about money to weird amounts.

    Instead of actually saying those things though, you both said 'oh here's the money I'm spending' and 'oh i'm freaking out over money.'

    So, maybe the next time you talk to him, acknowledge his stress first (the root of the issue) instead of the money. If he feels validated in his emotions, then he might listen when you say, "oh numb nuts I DID NOT SPEND REMODEL MONEY ON THIS."

    Or he may not even listen to that. Good luck!

  8. thank you all so much. sadie - what you said makes a lot of sense yet listening is just what we've been working on in therapy, how my "inner child" just doesn't feel the love which translates into my "outer adult" doesn't feel the love either. sometimes life just sucks!

  9. Sadie stole what I was going to say! Sadie is a genius! When I get testy with Mark about not listening to me? It almost turns out that I haven't been listening to him either.

    And that we have, in fact, been having two completely separate conversations.

    And subtlety? Not a man's strong suit. You have to spell out the conversation wou were trying to have with him. He doesn't have a clue. I promise.


  10. G and I have a terrible phone dynamic. Neither of us loves the phone, but we rise to the occasion when our respective callers want to talk about Cavs basketball (him) or movies and girl talk (me). Since we never want to discuss those topics with each other, it never goes well. Ikea is SAVING you money. Everyone knows that. It's science.


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