Cancelled

My therapist had to cancel on me yesterday.  He was at the hospital with his dying mother.  He says, "I'll just see you next week."  How does that work?  How can you lose someone that important to you and be at work the next week?  I guess it's different when it's an elderly parent.  After all, parents are supposed to die before their children.  That's the natural order of things right??


Ryan's been gone for a little less than a month and I still have a hard time dragging myself to work (when I haven't marked the day off that is).  I still hear a certain song, or suddenly imagine his smiling face and I can barely function.  The tears come at any and all times.  


His mom amazes me.  She's been back at work for the last week and seems to be doing okay there.  This weekend she and Ryan's dad are driving to Denver to collect his stuff.  I just can't even imagine how that feels.  I would love to be able to do that for them but I understand that this is something that they have to do together.  I just am feeling helpless again (sigh) and don't know what to do with myself, how to get myself out of this funk.  I mean, come on...Ryan's mom seems to be functioning and I can barely get my sorry ass out of bed.  WTF???

What a Day!

A beautiful blue sky.

A gorgeous friend.

A new spa.

A facial on the most comfortable bed in the world.

A hot-oil full-body massage.

Lunch at a favorite place.

A little shopping.

A lot of laughing.

What a day!

Stop on By...

If you haven't yet visited (In)Courage, please visit today, especially if you are struggling with a relationship.  (Just click on the button on the right)  I try to stop in there every day.  Today I wasn't going to but I was drawn in.  


Ann Voskamp was the guest blogger today and she was talking about frustrated and hurtful words and turning into our mothers and a mother's grime and how, if we breathe in grace, we can use strengthening words and wash away the dirt.  Words that will build up our children and our spouses.  Words that I will be praying desperately for.


After spending an evening in tears after a run-in with the teenage alien in my house, I told my husband that I just don't even know what to pray for anymore.  Well, God, through Ann's words, told me exactly what I need to be praying for...breathing in grace and strengthening words for my son.


Please pray for God's amazing grace and soothing words to fill my life this coming week.  Heck, not just this coming week but for always!  Thank you :O)

A Three-Word Prayer

My bff Barb tragically lost her son last week - but in a way I'm envious of her.  She and her husband are so close and this tragedy has brought them even closer.  It wasn't always this way.  They were separated for close to five years.  Living in separate homes, living separate lives.  I often lost patience with Barb for just waiting for him, praying for him to change.  After all, we all know that men don't change, right?!

During that time Barb was (still is) a Young Life leader.  She came up with the concept of a "three-word prayer" for her YL girls.  The idea was to think of something you really wanted, needed, felt led to pray about, and try to shorten it to three words.  Barb's three-word prayer during that time was "under one roof."  She believed.  And two, or was it three, Christmas's ago, when her husband asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she told him that she wanted to have Christmas, at his house, with the family, "under one roof."  She has been there ever since.

And the death of their son has brought them so much closer.  They are crying together, laughing together, praying together, talking together, staying up all night together.  They are together.

My husband and I are not together.  Oh sure, we live in the same house and sleep in the same bed but we don't talk together, we don't pray together, we rarely laugh together, and we rarely cry together.  A tragedy like the one Barb and Ron have been living through would tear us apart.  There would be blame.  There would be bitter accusations.  There would be no cleaving together. Now, remember, this is my p.o.v. and my side of the story and my feelings.  I don't know how my husband would feel.  But if I were left to my own devices, our marriage would crumble.  We are having problems with our son (see last post) and it's driving us apart.  I can't even imagine what would happen to us if we lost him.

I'm unhappy.  I don't know that we'll ever have the emotional intimacy that my therapist keeps talking about.  But my three-word prayer is this:  "Keep us together."  Please send it up when you think of me.

The Question...

the fuckin' question that every parent wants answered.  "What the hell have I missed?"  "What the fuck is goin' on?" or the biggest one..."Where on earth did I go wrong?"


My son, my once oh-so-adorable, oh-so-loving son has turned into some kind of monster.  I realize that I have discussed this before, but I don't know where else to go.   


He is failing three classes.  He says we are totally unfair because we've decided that he needs a schedule and supervision for homework.  He says that if he is signed up for summer school, he will refuse to go.  I told him he might as well go to summer school since he won't be doin' anythin' else (for his entire life) until he passes physics.  Or geometry.  Or literature.  Whichever one(s) he doesn't pass this school year.  No Young Life camp, no vacations, and no job (which means no being able to save money for a car).


He has his own blog site which, of course, I am following.  It is filled with darkness and suffering and death.  I'm lost and I'm scared.  How do the parents who have great relationships with their teenagers do that?  How do I get through to this child that if I didn't love him, school wouldn't matter.  And where the hell did respect for your parents go?  And why is it that I would kick his ass if he dissed another adult, but not when he disses me?  I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!  This is so NOT what I signed up for.  He has a stable home, two loving parents, and a totally becoming fucked-up life.  How does this happen?  


His hero is a senior in his high school.  A talented, smart, got it pretty much together kind of guy.  My son tells me he wants to be just like this guy when he's a senior because they have so much in common.  Like what?  Neither has ever tried drugs or alcohol, both are virgins and plan on staying that way, and both love music.


And I feel like I always have to be the hard-ass.  My husband seems to think that you can calmly talk things out and everyone will end up with the warm-fuzzies.  Sometimes I just wanna scream at him to grow a pair and stop this child from being so irresponsible and disrespectful.  But heaven forbid any voices get raised...


I am so fucking frustrated I don't even know which end is up.  And I can't "just breathe" through this shit.

Just Breathe

So yesterday we had a celebration of Ryan's life.  The church was packed, the speakers were great, the music was perfect, and I had managed to gather enough food to feed the entire town.


But I can't celebrate Ryan's life yet.  I have to grieve the loss first.  I have been trying so hard this past week to be the strong one, to let Barb fall apart when she needed to and to be there for her for whatever she needed.  That's what friends do.


I don't know if you can tell from any other posts, but I'm not real good at being vulnerable.  And this week has just about killed me.  When I allow myself to think about never seeing Ryan again, never telling him "come 'ere and gimme a big hug before I kick your ass, you dumbshit," it knocks the breath out of me, it doubles me over in pain.


But who do I share this with?  Of course my first choice is Barb.  After all she is the one I would go to for anything else.  But how do you share your grief with the grieving mom?  And I don't know that my husband would understand...he didn't really know Ryan, he's not a mother, how could he have any idea how much this hurts?  Then there's the fact that he is the one person it is hardest for me to be vulnerable with.


I just have so many questions.  And it torques my ass that I can't get any answers.  I know Ryan was a tortured soul.  I know how he struggled with his demons.  But how could he leave us?  How could he leave his baby girl?  How could he leave his beautiful mommy?  How could he think this way was the best way?  If our lives are pre-ordained, how could this be part of The Plan?  I know being a Christian is not supposed to be easy, but this...how does a good and loving God allow this?


I know that this will get easier.  I know that this will get better.  It will never be okay, but we will get through it and hopefully come out on the other side closer to each other and to God.  But until then, I need to do some grieving first (a LOT of grieving with screaming and swearing and anger with God and anger with Ryan involved).  And while I'm doing that I need to remember to just breathe.

Help...

Last night, my best friend's son killed himself. Put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. His 19-year-old girlfriend found him in their living room. I spent 10 hours at her house today; holding her, loving on her kids, answering the phone, calling the mortuary, rocking the grandkids, and whatever else I could. But it doesn't help. Her heart is shattered and I can't help her. I can't make her pain go away. My heart is broken and I just don't know what to do. I feel like she said: "I don't know how to be this person." Neither one of us, actually none of us, knows how to be this person, these people. Our foundation has been so rocked.

The one thing that gave her peace today was knowing that her son was right with the Lord. She has no doubt whatsoever where he is now. I pray that she can maintain that peace; that Christ will continue to wrap her in His peace and grace and mercy.

I was posting a song on his facebook remembrance page and his little 5-year-old daughter came to see what I was doing. "Is that my daddy?" she asked me.

"Yup."

"Are you texting him?"

"No, I wish I was."

"Where is my daddy?"

Lord, let me let you. "He's with Jesus."

"How come?"

"Your daddy was the greatest guy and everybody loved him, but nobody loved him more than Jesus and so Jesus brought your daddy to live with him."

"Oh, okay."

Such innocence. I know that eventually, in the coming days, she is going to realize that she's never going to see her daddy again. Please Lord, give the people around her, the people who love her, the wisdom and strength to know how to help this baby. Please Lord, give me the wisdom and strength to know how to help my friend. And Jesus, please be with my friend and her family and draw them closer to You and each other as they navigate these oh-so-stormy waters.

Amen.

What Child is This?

How on earth did I end up with the child I did? I can't figure out exactly where he came from, 'cept that it's obviously another planet. He's 15, he's grumpy, he's moody, he's hormonal, and he's a total drama queen. And oh yeah...he's a slob!

Now I have admitted to being a closet slob, but this is not the same at all! In fact, I'd appreciate it if he would be a closet slob 'cause at least then his room would look clean! I have learned in the past few years to just close the door to his room. And usually I'm okay with leaving it at that. But then there are "the times." The times I open the door and can't see the floor, the times I open the door and can't see the bed, the times I open the door and the smell knocks me to my knees.

This is one of those smelly times. But when the son is asked to clean his room, we get the rolling eyes, the big sigh and the "it's not that bad" whine!!! It takes him days. It takes multiple room checks before he is finally finished. And each time is a fight. I'm tired of fighting. And of course I blame myself. "What did I teach/not teach him when he was younger?" "What am I doing wrong?" "How can he think that this is an acceptable way to live?"

And unfortunately this attitude of his doesn't just apply to his room. His homework and grades suffer the same fate. When I first asked him, on Thursday night, to clean his room over the weekend, I got the "but I've got three days worth of homework to finish" excuse. (btw...this week is spring break and he was on a youth service trip for most of it so he didn't have time to do homework until now) So I gave him a fair deal. I told him that both things need to be done by Sunday night or he will lose many privileges until it was done. (this means he has four nights and three days to get it done)

So...I'm not gonna nag him, right? (Although I do reserve the right to ask if he's done) He knows the score. He knows exactly what he'll be losing if this work is not finished in the time given. So when he goes upstairs today (Saturday) to play video games, I ask him if he's worked on his homework and he tells me he needs to get the rubric from someone. I ask him if he doesn't have the rubric in his backpack and he replies "I got it over a month ago, do you really think I'd still have it?" Am I the only one who finds this response unbelievable?? This is a project that is due Monday when he gets back to school and it's a literature project and literature is his worst subject and he's had a month to work on this and as of 6:59 p.m. on the Saturday night before spring break ends and the project is due he has not done a thing!!!

I am so at the end of my rope. I so do not know what to do with this child. I did tell him that if he wants to be a freshman again next year it's not my problem. Except it is my problem because that would mean one more year of him living in my house. Is this happening because he basically was raised as an only? (closest sib is 11 years older) I don't think he's spoiled. He knows that if he disrespects an adult he'll get his ass kicked. He knows if he wants a new video game system or video game or ipod or car or whatever, he needs to save the money for it. He knows that if he has no clean underwear he'd better do a load of laundry.

I'm tryin' to hold on to the promise that God has a plan for me and for him. And I know that we grow closer to God when we're in the shitholes of life. I just hope God's plan for him isn't workin' at MickeyD's and living in the garage. But He does want the best for us, right? I pray that the best for my son is being a successful, independent, cleanliness-is-next-to-Godliness, not living at home kind of guy! Anyway...

thanks for listenin'

p.s. I guess I'd rather him be a slobby slob than a closet slob 'cause then the smell could get really bad!

When You're Fifteen

So I'm drivin' down the hill this afternoon to pick up a wedding gift for my friend Brendan (brendanmccarthymusic.com) and his new bride Rachael (www.rachaellampa.com). I'm drivin' the big new truck because I can just plug in my iPod (which I think is the greatest thing ever!!). I've got a country playlist that I'm listenin' to (now all I need are cowboy boots and a Stetson to complete the picture). Taylor Swift's "Fifteen" comes on and I start crying.

I realized that I am angry, that I have been angry most of my life. A couple of weekends ago I flew to Minneapolis in order to drive to Sioux Falls to check in on my grammie and my dad. The night before I flew back home from Minnesota I had dinner with my BFF Kyle. Kyle and I met in 7th grade and had not quite two years together before I moved to Wisconsin. And this is why I am angry.

I am angry because I moved every year and a half to two years of my life. I am angry that I went to three elementary schools, one junior high and, especially, SIX high schools. I never had the chance to make life-long friends and life-long memories. Kyle is all I have and I want his memories to be mine too! I wanted to finish growing up with Kyle and Bob and Lisa and Cathy. I want to be able to reminisce about the crazy things we did in high school BUT I CAN'T because I wasn't there because my dad was more worried about pleasing his parents than about what all the moving was doing to his children.

Only God knows how or why Kyle and I have managed to stay together. And maybe it's a mid-life thing, but when I see Kyle all I want to do is hang out with him and Bob and Lisa and make new memories so that when we're in the nursing home we can talk about the crazy things we did in our "youth" and I will have been a part of it! ('cept I don't think our spouses would understand or want to be involved)

I know that I have to let go of this anger. Except I think I need to live through it first. I didn't realize how angry I was until started seeing Kyle semi-regularly and started therapy. It's as if my dad's emotional abuse wasn't bad enough. I had to live through making new friends every year or so. Maybe this is why I started sleeping with every boyfriend I had after Kyle, to make friends and be accepted. After all, when you're fifteen, being part of the crowd is the most important thing in your world. I feel so cheated. My dad totally fucked up my life and now, thanks to dementia, I can't even confront him about it.

Okay, I know that my mom is partly to blame. And I'm angry with her too because she never stood up to dad and never put me and my sister first until it was too late, at least for me. I was already smoking, doing drugs, and sleeping around. But I can confront my mom about this and I can let her know how angry I am and how much it still hurts. But this needs to be a face-to-face conversation and I don't know when that will happen.

Well...I just had to get that off my chest.

thanks for listenin'...