When You're Fifteen

So I'm drivin' down the hill this afternoon to pick up a wedding gift for my friend Brendan (brendanmccarthymusic.com) and his new bride Rachael (www.rachaellampa.com). I'm drivin' the big new truck because I can just plug in my iPod (which I think is the greatest thing ever!!). I've got a country playlist that I'm listenin' to (now all I need are cowboy boots and a Stetson to complete the picture). Taylor Swift's "Fifteen" comes on and I start crying.

I realized that I am angry, that I have been angry most of my life. A couple of weekends ago I flew to Minneapolis in order to drive to Sioux Falls to check in on my grammie and my dad. The night before I flew back home from Minnesota I had dinner with my BFF Kyle. Kyle and I met in 7th grade and had not quite two years together before I moved to Wisconsin. And this is why I am angry.

I am angry because I moved every year and a half to two years of my life. I am angry that I went to three elementary schools, one junior high and, especially, SIX high schools. I never had the chance to make life-long friends and life-long memories. Kyle is all I have and I want his memories to be mine too! I wanted to finish growing up with Kyle and Bob and Lisa and Cathy. I want to be able to reminisce about the crazy things we did in high school BUT I CAN'T because I wasn't there because my dad was more worried about pleasing his parents than about what all the moving was doing to his children.

Only God knows how or why Kyle and I have managed to stay together. And maybe it's a mid-life thing, but when I see Kyle all I want to do is hang out with him and Bob and Lisa and make new memories so that when we're in the nursing home we can talk about the crazy things we did in our "youth" and I will have been a part of it! ('cept I don't think our spouses would understand or want to be involved)

I know that I have to let go of this anger. Except I think I need to live through it first. I didn't realize how angry I was until started seeing Kyle semi-regularly and started therapy. It's as if my dad's emotional abuse wasn't bad enough. I had to live through making new friends every year or so. Maybe this is why I started sleeping with every boyfriend I had after Kyle, to make friends and be accepted. After all, when you're fifteen, being part of the crowd is the most important thing in your world. I feel so cheated. My dad totally fucked up my life and now, thanks to dementia, I can't even confront him about it.

Okay, I know that my mom is partly to blame. And I'm angry with her too because she never stood up to dad and never put me and my sister first until it was too late, at least for me. I was already smoking, doing drugs, and sleeping around. But I can confront my mom about this and I can let her know how angry I am and how much it still hurts. But this needs to be a face-to-face conversation and I don't know when that will happen.

Well...I just had to get that off my chest.

thanks for listenin'...