Just Breathe

So yesterday we had a celebration of Ryan's life.  The church was packed, the speakers were great, the music was perfect, and I had managed to gather enough food to feed the entire town.


But I can't celebrate Ryan's life yet.  I have to grieve the loss first.  I have been trying so hard this past week to be the strong one, to let Barb fall apart when she needed to and to be there for her for whatever she needed.  That's what friends do.


I don't know if you can tell from any other posts, but I'm not real good at being vulnerable.  And this week has just about killed me.  When I allow myself to think about never seeing Ryan again, never telling him "come 'ere and gimme a big hug before I kick your ass, you dumbshit," it knocks the breath out of me, it doubles me over in pain.


But who do I share this with?  Of course my first choice is Barb.  After all she is the one I would go to for anything else.  But how do you share your grief with the grieving mom?  And I don't know that my husband would understand...he didn't really know Ryan, he's not a mother, how could he have any idea how much this hurts?  Then there's the fact that he is the one person it is hardest for me to be vulnerable with.


I just have so many questions.  And it torques my ass that I can't get any answers.  I know Ryan was a tortured soul.  I know how he struggled with his demons.  But how could he leave us?  How could he leave his baby girl?  How could he leave his beautiful mommy?  How could he think this way was the best way?  If our lives are pre-ordained, how could this be part of The Plan?  I know being a Christian is not supposed to be easy, but this...how does a good and loving God allow this?


I know that this will get easier.  I know that this will get better.  It will never be okay, but we will get through it and hopefully come out on the other side closer to each other and to God.  But until then, I need to do some grieving first (a LOT of grieving with screaming and swearing and anger with God and anger with Ryan involved).  And while I'm doing that I need to remember to just breathe.