Warning: Okay - I love Jesus. But...I can cuss like a sailor and talk dirty like a porn star. Feel free to have a look around and try not to be offended - it's the way God made me and He loves me anyway!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Can You See Me Now?

When I was in 9th grade we moved for the 6th time in my life.  I had spent the longest period of my life in the town we were living in (almost 5 years) and I fucking did not want to move.  And?  Not only were we moving?  We were moving to another state.  Also?  In my current city, 9th grade was the top-of-the-junior-high heap...we were the big mofo's on campus.  In my new town?  9th grade was the bottom-of-the-barrel at the high school.

And when you're in 9th grade and your world has just been turned upside down?  You will do just about anything to fit in with the kids who have known each other since pre-school.  And I did anything and more.  I stayed out til all hours, I had sex with every "boyfriend" I had, I did any drug anyone would give me. But fitting in?  Still felt like the outsider.  So I would swallow bottles of pills at a time (that always just made me puke) and I was a cutter...way before cutting was the "thing" to do.

The strange part?  No one who should have noticed did.  My dad?  After nine months at the "new" job, he transferred to a small town back in Minnesota.  So - he was never home.  My mom?  Never saw anything.  Oh, she realized that things were bad but it is so much easier to bury your head in the sand than admit to a problem.  De-Nile ain't just a river in Egypt.  She would see band-aids on my wrists and ask me what happened.

"Oh, I tripped on the stairs and scraped my arm."

"Okay.  Just try to be more careful."

After I finished 10th grade we all moved to the small town my dad was living in.  And do you think things got better?  Right...  I was screaming in the only way I knew how that there was something seriously fucking wrong with this whole picture.  And did the 'rents try and figure out what was going on?  Nope.  They sent me away to a group home in yet another state.

"We don't know what to do with her.  We don't know what's wrong with her.  Let someone else try and figure it out.  We are done."  I was made a ward of the state and away I went.  And you know something?  I loved that group home.  There was structure.  There were defined consequences.  If you did what you were supposed to do you were rewarded.  Guess what happened nine months later when I was "discharged?"  Surprise - same shit.  Was there a consequence for staying out all night or all fucking weekend for that matter?  Was there a consequence for skipping school?  For getting totally shit-faced then waltzing into the house?  Did anyone notice?  Nope.  Surprised I ended up pregnant and married at 18?

And the getting married?  No one gave me any other options.  Everyone knew this was a bad idea, a bad relationship, an abusive relationship.  Help or options from the parents?  Nope.

"We don't know what to do with her.  We don't know what's wrong with her.  Let someone else try and figure it out.  Let her try and figure it out.  She's 18 now.  We're not responsible any longer."

Well, somehow, without much guidance or help from mom and dad, I made it.  I am a grown-up with a fairly good head on my shoulders.  So why is it that now?  When I don't really need her anymore?  My mom wants to help me with all my problems?  Wants to fix all my problems?  Knows exactly what I should or shouldn't be doing?  I don't need her help - the hubs and I can figure out how to raise our kids and live our lives without her help.  The only question I have is this.

Where were you when I did need your help, Mom?


  1. I am so sorry you dealt with all that in your teen years - It's sad to think you were doing those things to gain attention and you still didn't get it. HUGS.

    Hoping from yesterday's post too that you can get in to see the Dr. and resolved some of these feelings from long ago.

    Just know that I SEE YOU and love your blog even if I don't always comment daily -- summertime is crazy with the kiddos home!!!!

  2. Oh god, I feel so bad for you. I didn't do all that stuff, but I was a lonely child. And like you, now I really don't want to spend time with my mom. I'm tired of the inuendo's she throws out at me.

    Hang in there. I'm beginning to think that some of my blogging friends know more about my life than my own parents. I don't know what I would do without people like you in my world right now.


  3. You went through a lot as a teen! My story isn't all that dramatic, but I do have a mom who lives in denial and acts like the horrible way that she treated me in the past- that I should just ignore it and be best friends with her.

    Congrats to you for making it through all this and being a strong adult!

  4. I am going to tell you what I have experienced with my own mother. My mother was never there. My mother did not protect me. My mother looked the other way. My mother spent my whole childhood in denial.

    As an adult? My mother is full of helpful advice. Full of suggestions for what I should do and how I should do it. She is all aware and on top of my life.

    Why? Because now? She is not accountable. Now? There is no one to whom she has to answer. Now? It is not her job to figure out what to do with me. Now? No one blames her when things go wrong.

    And so she has all sorts of answers.

    I ignore her a LOT.

    As you should ignore your mom.

    The time for all this momming? Has passed.

    Hang in there.

  5. I am so sorry you had to go through this as a child and no one was there to catch you when you fell. I think your mom knows where she went wrong and is overwhelmed by the guilt and is trying in her own fucked up way to make it better. Why is it they don't realize how much it would mean to us for them to just admit their failures and ask us to forgive them. It sounds simple and yet they never are able to do it. Many hugs to you my friend!

  6. I love you Cathy. Glad you are able to process this pain through writing. I know your open heart will help so many others. What you need to know more than anything else is that you are lovable. Through all you have endured and all the ways you were ignored you have turned into a generous friend to so many. I am glad you are in my life and have such a heart for me and all our family and the amazing girls we work with.

  7. Maybe she thought she could keep an eye on it if ya'll all lived under the same roof. But if you had to go see him on visitation, she wouldn't be there to stop it from happening. My aunt was abused up until her late teens because her father was not convicted of the molestation and she was forced by the courts to visit him. She said it was worse after my grandmother found out and left him. He was a sick man.

    And maybe that's not why she stayed...just offering another possible scenario. Hope you are able to find a way to make peace within your head and your heart so that you can live your life to the fullest.


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