Warning: Okay - I love Jesus. But...I can cuss like a sailor and talk dirty like a porn star. Feel free to have a look around and try not to be offended - it's the way God made me and He loves me anyway!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Is it Safe?

For as long as I can remember, I never really felt safe with my dad.  Nothing I can point my finger at and say "Oh yeah...that's why!"  Except?  I always had to sit on his lap and he always wanted a kiss on the lips and the time he put his hand down my shirt.  And if I did something wrong when I was with him?  What kind of unappreciative daughter was I?  I just know that I really never wanted to be alone with him.  I still don't.  I think my mom knew how I felt.  She even had a friend who asked her if she thought there was sexual abuse going on.

"Oh no.  I would know if something like that was happening."  But?  Would she?  Was there?  I honestly don't know and it really doesn't even matter anymore.  My dad sits in a wheelchair every day either watching tv, being fed, or having his shitty diapers changed.  I don't even know if he knows who I am anymore.  But?  When I do see him?  I still feel like he's checking me out, in a sick, perverted, sexual  kind of way.

On the other hand?  If my mom knew, suspected, intuited, that I didn't feel safe?  Why didn't she do something?

I'm trying to work through some shit - obviously - and trying to understand why my mom didn't do more to protect me.  Not just physically from my dad, but emotionally as well.  To protect myself from him and his moods?  I had to be the perfect child.  I had to be dad's favorite - his princess.  Because if I did something wrong?  Like all kids will do?  I suffered.  I suffered from the crushing disappointment that I was to my father.  I was so disappointing?  My dad wouldn't be able to talk to me for a week or so because his feelings were so hurt and I would bust my ass trying to make it all better.

Now I'm realizing?  That I couldn't have done anything to make it better because I had, in reality, done nothing wrong.  I had just been being a kid who screws up every once in a while.  But?  I knew that if I could be the good girl, the perfect girl, my dad would just love me for me.  I was always the good girl.  Even when I was being the bad girl?  I was still the good girl who would sit on dad's lap and kiss him on the lips when I got home from school.

Well?  Guess what?  I'm tired of being that good girl.  But letting go of the good girl label and all that goes with it?  Is really fucking hard.  It hurts.  It makes me cry and I fucking hate to cry because only babies cry - good girls, big girls, don't cry.  Fickey (my therapist) said that I should cry every day as I work through this.  He says I have to go through this, I can't go around it or over it or under it.  Because if I let a little of the pain out every day?  Pretty soon it'll become more manageable.  It'll become less and less intense.  It will hurt a little less every day.  And one day?  I'll be able to look at my dad and not feel like throwing up.  I will be able to look at my mom and know that she was working so hard with her own shit that she couldn't help me with mine.  I may even want to have a relationship with her again.  Not as mother and daughter, but as grown woman to grown woman.

And also?  Someday?  I may feel like I'm fit to be in the company of humans again.


  1. I hope you can find it in you to cry and work through this!

  2. I am so sorry. I have issues with my uncle. I know of one thing that happened, but am scared to death to find out if anything else went on. But with your own dad. So sad. Good luck. And crying is good for the soul. You are in my thoughts.

  3. I had an uncle that should have been put in jail. It is a difficult thing to work through.

  4. I am so sorry. I am angry for you and all of the others in this world. That shold just not ever happen.

  5. Still praying for healing for you my friend.

  6. I'm sorry your dad was such a creep to you :-)
    Stay strong and keep getting it out!

  7. Left you an award on my blog :-).
    I just realized I put a smiley face next to my comment about your creepy dad. It was supposed to be a sad face, but I'm dyslexic like that. I promise I'm not a weirdo that approves of child molestation.

  8. You have to be a big girl to let yourself cry... it's often easier to bottle things up, but it's not healthy, in the long run. I haven't been through what you've been through, but I've been through therapy, and I know it's not an easy process. Good luck - and let me know if there's anything I can do to help out.

  9. I would like to write all kinds of unhelpful platitudes here, but I know you've heard them all and what good do they do anyway? So instead...

    Warm vibes to you and an ear if you need one. Anytime. Email me.

    No child should have to deal with such things. Not one. BTW it takes guts to push the publish button on these posts, so you should feel good about being brave enough to click.

  10. I'm so sorry you have to go through this to heal...and that you ever had to go through any of it. What a terrible thing for a young child to endure.

    Thank you for commenting on my BFF post at Shell's blog last week!

  11. Bless. Your. Heart. You deserve way more than a good cry every day! What a horrible thing for the little girl you were to deal with. And you're still dealing with it. You will get thru all this crap and be such a better person for it in the end. Prayers for you ...


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