Warning: Okay - I love Jesus. But...I can cuss like a sailor and talk dirty like a porn star. Feel free to have a look around and try not to be offended - it's the way God made me and He loves me anyway!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


I am in a hole.  A hole that is so deep and so wide and so dark that I can't seem to find my way out.  Last night I had a total breakdown because I had to ask my husband to hang the last blind for the new windows.  Now?  I have been with the exact same guy for 24 years...I know that he's not gonna take the initiative and hang the fuckin' blinds by himself.  So why the meltdown last night?  And I'm talkin' a MAJOR meltdown.  In fact?  I melted down so far that I actually dug out a pack of cigarettes that is at least 9 months old and smoked.

"All you have to do is ask me to help you," he says.

"Because you didn't hear me say I bought the last of the blinds last week?  Because you and I haven't already hung two of the three that needed hanging?  Because you haven't been almost trippin over the box in the hallway since you been home?" was my justalittlesarcastic response.

He finished drilling the holes and screwing in the brackets and left the room.  I'm sure to get away from the ragin' lunatic screamin' at him.  Then?  When I tried to put up the 71" blind all by my own self?  The fucker didn't fit.  So I lost it...I could not have stopped crying if someone were threatening my children.  I  coulda blown their threatening asses off the face of the earth with my 9mm with a laser aim, but?  I woulda been bawling while I was shooting.

Almost everyday?  Something makes me cry.  And once I start crying?  I can't stop.  I made an appointment to see a for real shrink...my regular doctor thinks I need some tweakin' of my medication.  No shit?

I think I have fought depression all my life.  But when I was younger?  Depression wasn't something any one ever talked about.  I figure I musta been depressed though.  Because?  All the drugs I did, all the sex I had, all the times I would swallow a bottle of pills or try to slit my wrists.  I didn't wanna die, I just wanted someone to see me, to see my pain, to comfort me and take care of me.  Someone like my parents?  Who were supposed to take care of me?  But were so dysfunctional themselves that they could barely take care of themselves?

But this?  This feels like more than just being depressed.  This?  Feels totally outta control.  I know that I don't have any control over things that are outta my control (DOH!).  But right now?  I feel like I don't even have control over myself.  My emotions are crazy.  I have no grey area - it's black and I'm a blubberin' mess or it's white and I'm okay.  But?  Even the being okay part?  Is not so okay.  It's not like I'm happy or anything fun like that.  And?  If you look at me wrong or, heaven forbid, be nice to me or some stupid shit like that, I'm back to bawling.

At least my freakin' therapist is finally back from a three-week long vacation and I have my regular appointment today.  Thank the good Lord above!

Anyway...all this ramblin?  Just my way of lettin y'all know that I may not be writing too regular for a while.  I'll still be stalkin' y'all cause y'all are the ones who definitely I know can and will crack me up.  Unless?  You're writin' a serious blog that'll make me cry.  Then?  Fuck you!  (still love ya though)


  1. I think it's hard sometimes to deal with every day crap. I know I've been through it. Take it easy and cry. I'm sure you'll feel better soon. I'll be here when you're ready. I love listening to you so I hope you feel better soon.

  2. I get to the point that I'm so overwhelmed that any little thing seems like such a big deal.

    Hang in there, girl!

  3. I hope you see color soon...not just black and white! I'll keep you in my prayers!!!

  4. :-(. I'm sorry you feel this way darling. I blame Obama.
    It's great you're taking the first steps to getting better by making an appointment with a therapist and reassessing your medication.
    Feel good soon!

  5. I'll try to write the funny ones. except for flip off friday. deal, deal. And hang in there.

  6. I am so sorry you are in that place. I am just starting to come out of that place myself. I have been where you are when there seems to be no end in sight. But, there is. I have had my meds tweaked for a long year now and I am finally taking what I need. Hold on. It will get better soon.


  7. Awwww . . . I hate that you are in that dark dark place. But I am so proud that you are able to recognize the problem and take the steps you need to take. I will miss you if you go too far and for too long . . . But I understand the need to take a break.

    I will be here when you get back.

    And if you feel like visiting me?

    I would love that. I would be honored.

    Take care of yourself, babe.

  8. HUGS...I've btdt with overreating to little things and not knowing why.

    I think as moms we are overwhelmed on a daily basis whether we stay home or work and try to make it all work - and I have a big problem with asking I always assume he will do somthing and when he doesn't well then I'm a mess!!!

    I also get this way more around that TIME and I'm in it now so feeling weepy and emotional but I know it will pass.

    Take care of you and I hope you will find your way soon with some help!

  9. Comin over from In Through The Out Door.

    I understand, and sending you ((hugs))!

  10. I do feel your pain and I am there most days!! I was so stressed that I found an old cigar ,I didn't even know how old it was ,but lit up and puffed away!! What a site! Yes , I made myself sick!! LOL
    I can't win!


don't hold back - tell me how you really feel!