I am in a hole. A hole that is so deep and so wide and so dark that I can't seem to find my way out. Last night I had a total breakdown because I had to ask my husband to hang the last blind for the new windows. Now? I have been with the exact same guy for 24 years...I know that he's not gonna take the initiative and hang the fuckin' blinds by himself. So why the meltdown last night? And I'm talkin' a MAJOR meltdown. In fact? I melted down so far that I actually dug out a pack of cigarettes that is at least 9 months old and smoked.
"All you have to do is ask me to help you," he says.
"Because you didn't hear me say I bought the last of the blinds last week? Because you and I haven't already hung two of the three that needed hanging? Because you haven't been almost trippin over the box in the hallway since you been home?" was my justalittlesarcastic response.
He finished drilling the holes and screwing in the brackets and left the room. I'm sure to get away from the ragin' lunatic screamin' at him. Then? When I tried to put up the 71" blind all by my own self? The fucker didn't fit. So I lost it...I could not have stopped crying if someone were threatening my children. I coulda blown their threatening asses off the face of the earth with my 9mm with a laser aim, but? I woulda been bawling while I was shooting.
Almost everyday? Something makes me cry. And once I start crying? I can't stop. I made an appointment to see a for real shrink...my regular doctor thinks I need some tweakin' of my medication. No shit?
I think I have fought depression all my life. But when I was younger? Depression wasn't something any one ever talked about. I figure I musta been depressed though. Because? All the drugs I did, all the sex I had, all the times I would swallow a bottle of pills or try to slit my wrists. I didn't wanna die, I just wanted someone to see me, to see my pain, to comfort me and take care of me. Someone like my parents? Who were supposed to take care of me? But were so dysfunctional themselves that they could barely take care of themselves?
But this? This feels like more than just being depressed. This? Feels totally outta control. I know that I don't have any control over things that are outta my control (DOH!). But right now? I feel like I don't even have control over myself. My emotions are crazy. I have no grey area - it's black and I'm a blubberin' mess or it's white and I'm okay. But? Even the being okay part? Is not so okay. It's not like I'm happy or anything fun like that. And? If you look at me wrong or, heaven forbid, be nice to me or some stupid shit like that, I'm back to bawling.
At least my freakin' therapist is finally back from a three-week long vacation and I have my regular appointment today. Thank the good Lord above!
Anyway...all this ramblin? Just my way of lettin y'all know that I may not be writing too regular for a while. I'll still be stalkin' y'all cause y'all are the ones who definitely I know can and will crack me up. Unless? You're writin' a serious blog that'll make me cry. Then? Fuck you! (still love ya though)