A bird just flew into my second story window and broke it's neck. I think it must have been painless, I hope it was painless. Stupid bird. This? Happens quite a bit unfortunately. I come out to a mound of little feathers and bones quite often. But now I'm wondering? Does daddy or mommy bird sit in the nest waiting for their partner to come home? And who feeds the babies? Are the babies grown and out of the nest? Why is that bird so dumb? Does the reflection of the trees in the window look "greener" than the reality of the trees in the yard? Is the bird trying to "keep up with the Joneses" and find a better tree, make a higher nest, move closer to the pool? Is that bird trying to do what I try to do?
I don't necessarily try to keep up with the Joneses, especially in this little town where McMansions are being built on a daily basis. I love my 70-year-old house, really love it now that it has pretty new siding and a new roof. But yet? Somehow? That's not quite enough. I spent all last week kickin' ass to get the front yard re-landscaped. Why? I wanted to surprise the hubs when he got back from Russia. And that was the major reason. I love blowin' his mind like that. But also? Appearances count. They count way more than they should. I mean, come on, the house looks awesome, the yard looks(ed) like shit. How can someone who lives in such a cute house have such a crappy yard? I know that's what everyone who drove by thought!
So I hired youth from church, recruited a couple of grown-up friends and put them to work. And? The yard looks great. But with the great looking yard? Comes the realization that I have much more ambition than I have brains or brawn. That I care way too much about what others think. And? I know...they aren't thinking about me or my lawn at all. They have too much of their own shit going on to be worried about my curb appeal and what it does or doesn't do for the neighborhood. But? Looking good on the outside was very important to my father and unfortunately it is still important to me. After all...if it looks good it's gotta be good right? No one can see the pain on the inside cause they're so enthralled with the outside.
My "ambition" also drove a HUGE wedge between me and the boy. I had to get everything finished before the hubs got home, he didn't see the rush. Caused a big blowup and ended with a confiscated phone, an "I HATE YOU!" and a broken screen door. And? The hubs won't care if there's still shit in the back of the truck that needs to go to the dump. He'd just take it to the dump. And the kid knew this. But me? The little child who still lives inside? She was driven. Driven by the need for approval and love. And if it didn't get finished? Well..."why fuckin' bother starting something if you can't even finish it."
Yup...figured that out yesterday. (therapy day you know) I'm still yearning for that love and approval that my father never gave me as a child. Do we ever get over this? I know that I will never get what I needed from my dad. His dementia has pretty much guaranteed this. I also know that the hubs loves me whether I finish what I start or whether I need his help to get it done. In fact, I think he'd rather help me to show me how much he appreciates what I want to do for him.
But, like the fuckin' bird, I'm always trying to get somewhere that is impossible to get to. That place inside that says "Yeah...I did it! I'm worth it! I have gotten the approval!" I'm tryin' to get the little child inside to shut the fuck up since I don't need anyone's approval anymore. But? It's hard work, she's pretty persistent. Damn brat.