Warning: Okay - I love Jesus. But...I can cuss like a sailor and talk dirty like a porn star. Feel free to have a look around and try not to be offended - it's the way God made me and He loves me anyway!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm Sad...

and I'm lonesome.  And I don't know why.  Actually?  I do know why I'm lonesome.  The hubs is on the other side of the world.  And?  I don't feel like I have any friends.  Okay.  I know I have some friends.  But?  I don't have any friends I can just call up on the spur-of-the-moment and say "Let's go to Santa Fe for the afternoon."  All my friends have little kids or controlling husbands or full-time jobs.  So.  Therefore I'm lonely.  I used to have a friend that I could call up and say "Let's go."  Only?  She dumped me.  I've cried here about that before.  I'm feelin' like some sort of whiney country song,  "The Lonesome Loser."  Oh wait...that is a song.  Little River Band.  And I know...I'm totally datin' myself.  Oh well.  Sigh.

But?  I'm really struggling with the why I'm sad part.  Again...the hubs is on the other side of the world.  But this being 10 time zones away is not a new thing.  This is an every-other-month (usually) thing and it's never really made me feel sad before.

I want to get the front yard landscaped before he gets home.  Why?  Cause my house looks so cute and my yard looks like shit.  And?  I like to surprise the hubs like that.  Also?  Cause the little girl in me feels like she needs to do shit like that to be worthy of the hubs love.  I know in my head that that is bullshit but?  He's out doin' his part to save the world from nuclear disaster and I'm at home sittin' on my ass.  And yeah, I'm raisin' the boy while he's gone but the boy don't need a whole lotta mom.

And it has to be perfect.  Is that cause if I do it and it's not perfect I'll be even more unworthy of love?  Everything had to be done just exactly the way my dad wanted it or he'd get all pissed and he'd have to do it over and "Jesus Christ, it would've been easier if I'd just done it myself."  So, after a while I just quit trying to do whatever my dad wanted and did the exact opposite.  That didn't work either.  No matter what I did, I didn't feel deserving of my dad's love.  I guess that's why I always felt his love had strings attached.

I know the hubs loves me unconditionally.  Maybe that's what's so hard to accept.  I haven't done anything to deserve his love, to be worthy of his love, so how can he love me like he does?  Fuck.  It's amazing how your parents can mess you up for your entire life.  I haven't lived with my dad for over 30 years and haven't lived with my mom for over 25.  How can they still be makin' me feel like a piece of shit?  How come I still let them make me feel like a piece of shit when, really, I don't have much contact with either of them?

I love the hubs unconditionally back.  Is it because he loved me first?  Is it because he loves me that way?  Is that fair?  I love him for other reasons too, but maybe the big reason is because he is the first person in all my world who has loved me like this?  He accepts me for who I am, warts and all.  And believe me, I have plenty of those.  Too bad they're not on the outside so I could just get em burned off and go on my merry way.

As the therapist says, I'm doin' the work, I just need to let it unfold.  I can't go around it, I have to go through it.  Fuck.  I hate any kind of strenuous exercise and lemme tell ya...this is strainin' my brain and my heart and my emotions.  Sigh.


  1. Sending you lots of hugs. I hate when I feel lonely. It happens whenever I don't keep myself super busy.

  2. parents can really suck. I'm working on that struggle. and it is hard. I think I'm winning the war.

    I wish your husband wasn't away so much. I know that its so nice to just hold hands.

    You are in my thoughts.

  3. Oh! Hugs! If you move to Belize you can call me up anytime and we'll go do stuff. :-)

    Hope you feel better soon.

    Stopping by from SITS to welcome you!

    Cheers :-)
    - CoconutPalmDesigns

  4. Sorry you feeling this way. I struggle with parent issues all the time. I never can seem to work through it all. Hope things get easier soon.


  5. Found you from Coconut Palm designs! I feel lonely a lot too. My hubs is wonderful, my son keeps me crazy busy, but I don't get out much. I have a chronic illness so I can't do much. THe heat effects me badly. I don't have a ton of friends either...and I used to ; ( Parents can really mess us up, but just remember that the FATHER up above loves you unconditionally, and there's NOTHING you can do to make it more or less so.

    Happy Tuesday!

  6. Hang in there ... you're doing great! You are sooooo fortunate to have that wonderful man in your life that loves you unconditionally. You know he's there for a reason ... because you totally deserve him and you're meant for each other. You lucky woman!!! Now go have fun playing in your front yard!

  7. I hate lonely and sad.

    But I kill any plant I touch.

    Do not hire me as your landscaper. No matter how much I beg.

    Love you.


don't hold back - tell me how you really feel!