and I'm lonesome. And I don't know why. Actually? I do know why I'm lonesome. The hubs is on the other side of the world. And? I don't feel like I have any friends. Okay. I know I have some friends. But? I don't have any friends I can just call up on the spur-of-the-moment and say "Let's go to Santa Fe for the afternoon." All my friends have little kids or controlling husbands or full-time jobs. So. Therefore I'm lonely. I used to have a friend that I could call up and say "Let's go." Only? She dumped me. I've cried here about that before. I'm feelin' like some sort of whiney country song, "The Lonesome Loser." Oh wait...that is a song. Little River Band. And I know...I'm totally datin' myself. Oh well. Sigh.
But? I'm really struggling with the why I'm sad part. Again...the hubs is on the other side of the world. But this being 10 time zones away is not a new thing. This is an every-other-month (usually) thing and it's never really made me feel sad before.
I want to get the front yard landscaped before he gets home. Why? Cause my house looks so cute and my yard looks like shit. And? I like to surprise the hubs like that. Also? Cause the little girl in me feels like she needs to do shit like that to be worthy of the hubs love. I know in my head that that is bullshit but? He's out doin' his part to save the world from nuclear disaster and I'm at home sittin' on my ass. And yeah, I'm raisin' the boy while he's gone but the boy don't need a whole lotta mom.
And it has to be perfect. Is that cause if I do it and it's not perfect I'll be even more unworthy of love? Everything had to be done just exactly the way my dad wanted it or he'd get all pissed and he'd have to do it over and "Jesus Christ, it would've been easier if I'd just done it myself." So, after a while I just quit trying to do whatever my dad wanted and did the exact opposite. That didn't work either. No matter what I did, I didn't feel deserving of my dad's love. I guess that's why I always felt his love had strings attached.
I know the hubs loves me unconditionally. Maybe that's what's so hard to accept. I haven't done anything to deserve his love, to be worthy of his love, so how can he love me like he does? Fuck. It's amazing how your parents can mess you up for your entire life. I haven't lived with my dad for over 30 years and haven't lived with my mom for over 25. How can they still be makin' me feel like a piece of shit? How come I still let them make me feel like a piece of shit when, really, I don't have much contact with either of them?
I love the hubs unconditionally back. Is it because he loved me first? Is it because he loves me that way? Is that fair? I love him for other reasons too, but maybe the big reason is because he is the first person in all my world who has loved me like this? He accepts me for who I am, warts and all. And believe me, I have plenty of those. Too bad they're not on the outside so I could just get em burned off and go on my merry way.
As the therapist says, I'm doin' the work, I just need to let it unfold. I can't go around it, I have to go through it. Fuck. I hate any kind of strenuous exercise and lemme tell ya...this is strainin' my brain and my heart and my emotions. Sigh.